| The First Few Months:
A Retrospective Journey through Infancy by An Enormously Fatigued Parent January 4 Here is how Benny is:
If you were out walking and you turned over a fallen tree stump and you
uncovered a little nest of rabbit babies that is how he is. He's
worried, earnest, SOFT, Mommy please change my
diaper You can't love poopy
diapers Let's just say we get a
LOT of opportunities to sing this song. Because the poopy diapers march
on in an endless stream. January 11 Benny
managed to poop,
pee and VOMIT all over me during a diaper change last night at 3am.
First the poop came shooting out in a violent arc. Cleaning that up, I
noticed January 15 This morning at 2am, after sleeping like an angel since 9:30pm, and thus allowing me to get four hours of uninterrupted sleep, which is an unprecedented luxury in my new life as a baby cafeteria, Benjamin woke up, settled into his rocking chair for his nightly snack, and then LOOKED UP INTO MY FACE AND GAVE ME THE BIGGEST SMILE EVER RECORDED IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. It was so adorable I wept uncontrollably and hugged his head off, which irritated him because it delayed the very important consumption of calories, which was probably what he was really smiling at anyway. January 17 Last night was a nightmare -- 12am, 2am, 4am, 6am, 7am, then Dan fed him 3 oz of breastmilk out of a bottle at 9am so I could sleep (which he ate in 7 minutes flat) and he was hungry again at 10am, so I only got a 2 hour nap. It's now almost 1pm and he's eaten 3 times since 10am. LET ME PAUSE TO REFLECT THAT THE SOUNDS HE IS MAKING WHILE SLEEPING IN HIS FRONTPACK ARE SO CUTE THAT THEY WOULD MELT ICE. LITTLE RABBITY GRUNTS AND SNORFFLES CONSTANTLY WHILE IN SLEEP. AND SERIOUS DEDICATED COMMITTED SLEEPY-BREATHING. This morning he was
lying in my lap having playtime and he spent about 3 minutes staring
right into my eyes with this eyes-wide-open mouth-a-perfect-little-O
look on his face, like I was ju January 22 Baby rabbit is in his
frontpack, sucking on his leetle beenky. Benny would like to point out
that it is very hard being a little baby and having to organize this
digestive SYMPHONY that older people just do subconsciously. He was
fussing in his cradle this morning at 7am, one hour after being fed so I
knew he wasn't hungry, so I reached in there and helped him to sit up a
little bit and this huge burp came out of him, then he fell back down
asleep. IT WAS SO CUTE. Also it meant that I got half an hour more
sleep. If I could sleep with him in the frontpack, we would have no
difficulties. He sleeps so soundly in here, and whenever he herks
himself awake, I can just stand up for five seconds and sway and
sing a little and he goes right back down. January 31 WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN: I
awake to the sounds of peeping and cheeping in the cradle. I rouse
myself, put on my glasses, tie up my hair, and emerge from the bed into
the warmth of the house. I pick up my little angel from his cradle and
glide through the hallway into his room, where I arrange my nursing
pillow on my lap and settle him on the breast. He eats quietly and
earnestly for twenty minutes. Then he gently releases his suction and
falls back drowsily on the pillow. I pick him up and take him to the
changing table, where I remove his soiled diaper and replace it with a
new one, annointing him with rash cream and powder in the process. Then
I pick him up and pat his back for a few minutes, and out comes an
enormous, round, sonorous burp. I settle him back on the other breast
where he eats for 10 or 15 minutes and then falls deeply asleep. As he
is lying there prone, I once again glide through the hallway,
transferring him carefully into his little nest. I pat his back for a
few minutes while he settles in, remove my glasses and ponytail, and
then return to bed. WHAT DOES HAPPEN: I
awake to sounds of peeping and cheeping in the cradle. I rouze myself,
put on my glasses and tie up my hair, and emerge into the frosty arctic
wasteland of my bedroom, having forgotten once again to put on socks. I
stumble over to the cradle and pick up my little angel, finding a soppy
spot on the blanket where he has either peed or pooped through his
diaper and his outfit. I remove the blanket from the cradle, hoist the
child over my shoulder, and take child and blanket into his room, where
I put the blanket into the hamper and the child into my lap. I struggle
to arrange the chirping baby, the nursing pillow, his waving arms, and
his flopping head, and the wet spot on his sleeper, all while pulling my
t-shirt over my head and unsnapping one side of my bra. Finally we get
settled and Benny nurses desperately and hopefully for about 10 minutes,
with much eye movement and many gulping noises, and then falls deeply
asleep. I pick him up, stand up and let the nursing pillow fall on the
floor, and transfer him to the changing table where I strip him naked,
sponge off whatever business is all over him, apply ointment and powder,
and pull out a fresh new diaper. I wrap up the old, All the same, he is my favorite baby, and when he smiles at me in the middle of all the shenanigans, I do find my heart exploding with love. February 7 Some things I already miss about Benny as a newborn: The way his startle reflex punctuated our conversations with hand-waving every time I spoke. The way he flopped around so helplessly when I picked him up and had to be scooped. His skinny long legs. The way he looked when his mouth was clamped down on a breast and his eyes were shut -- like he was tucking into a lovely hamburger. The way he looked when he was swaddled up tight and lying on his side, like a little larvae with a baby head poking out one end. The way he could put the soles of his feet on my tummy and fold his legs up underneath him. The way he arched his back and tried to open his eyes by pulling his forehead up. Some things I will miss about Benny the way he is now: The way his facial expressions are constantly morphing, how his face never stays still. The way he earnestly sucks a binky while peering around at everything. The way he cranes his head around to see something that's moving away. The way he watches his Baby Einstein videos from his swing and gets overwrought and has to watch them from my shoulder for a while. The way he curls his legs up when I pick him up. The way he roots around for his supper when he's completely asleep. The way he burrows and snorffles on my shoulder when he's trying to wake himself up. The way he stares at our faces when we are talking to him and watches our mouths. The rare smiles. The way he listens and gurgles back at us when we tell him stories. The way he meditatively kicks his legs around while he is nursing. The way he pulls himself dramatically off the breast when he's finished, throwing his free hand back in a giant flourish, and then flops back onto it asleep, as if it is his beloved friend. The way he looks when he is sitting on Dan's stomach, propped up on Dan's knees, staring his Daddy down during playtime. February 12 Last night was a rare and special experience. He was quietly awake and peaceful in his swing from 10:00 to 10:30 watching Baby Mozart, and then as soon as the video went off, he exploded. From then until 1:00 it was a festival of squeaking, crying, grunting, farting, pooping, wetting, squawling, fussing, wiggling, wailing -- JUST A HORRORSHOW. Finally at 1:00 he collapsed, then woke up at 5:00 to start the whole thing over until 9:30. UGH. I dunno WHAT HAPPENED. He's
a little calmer now but still won't let me put him down. I have put in
about 15 miles walking around this house doing shoulder bounces. He
doesn't have a fever -- it's just genuinely hideous gas problems. My
spine is about to crack in half. Five minutes ago he was screaming
uncontrollably and I set him down in the bouncy seat and he went
immediately to sleep. There’s just no predicting this baby. February 15 Yesterday Benny geared
up in the Valentine's Day outfit and tucked himself into his carseat
with his I LOVE YOU blanket, grabbed various rattles and pacifiers, and
went to steak dinner with Mommy and Daddy to celebrate Valentine's Day. At the restaurant, he
was fawned upon by all the servers and staff, and sat primly in the very
amazing convenient carseat sling they provided, which sat him right up
to the table like a real person. Of course, the minute the salad
arrived, he had to come out of his carseat. Daddy held him on his lap,
and Benny was most pleased with the rapping sound he could make on the
table with his fists. He solemnly surveyed everything from this vantage point for a while, and then began to holler for food. Since he was in a public place, and to sneak away to the ladies' room would have defeated the purpose of going out to Valentine's Day dinner, and since the breastmilk bottle was still too cold to eat, Benny feasted on formula for the first time. He ate the first three ounces on Mommy's lap and the second three on Daddy's lap, so that each of them could also eat their delicious food. After the bottle was drained, he burped vociferously and then fell promptly asleep, waking up only during the post-dinner stroll by the waterfront. During said stroll, he displayed a profound interest in glaring at Daddy's elbow, and almost no interest in looking at ships and ducks and other sights. Coming home from the outing, he slept deeply until about 11:00pm, and then carried on basically all night with bad gas until this morning when he pooped an incredibly dangerous-looking formula-poop. Now, all is well. We won't be rushing to use the formula again any time soon, but I must say it was a convenient fix. Maybe when his digestive system gets a little more mature we'll give it another go. February 27 Here's how it works, lately. At about 6:00 he starts to nurse a lot -- about every forty five minutes. About 9:00 he starts a long nursing session and about 10:00 he is dead asleep in my arms. So I creep delicately delicately delicately up the stairs and lay him carefully carefully carefully in the cradle and lie down in the bed next to him and listen. In a few minutes, I begin to hear squeaking and grunting and kicking and waving of the arms. Inevitably one of the waving arms will hit him in the face, and he wakes up crying. If I hold his arms down, I can prevent this temporarily but it always happens. Then I pick him up and help him move the gas that is bothering him. Two or three farts later, I soothe him to sleep with either nursing or rocking or patting/bouncing, or whatever. Then I put him back down and repeat the process. FIVE TIMES last night. One of the times I put him down, he was awake and screaming before his weight was all in the cradle -- that time it was a major burp bothering him. When he finally feels totally relaxed and ready to really sleep, I can tell the difference. At that point, I could throw him in the cradle from across the room and it wouldn't wake him up -- he's that deeply asleep. The
thing is, when he nurses or sucks his binky, he swallows air, which has
to be burped out of him or else it goes on through to become painful
farts, but when he nurses himself to sleep, I hate to get him up and
burp him -- you know what I mean? Plus it's been SUPER hard to get burps
out of him in the last few days -- I think that may be one reason this
nighttime thing has become a problem -- he won't burp. March 7 It's amazing that Benny has now seen ten Mondays. Amazing because it seems like just yesterday we brought him home, and also seems like we never had to live without him. The more he grows, the dearer he becomes to us, and the more entwined we are around his lesser digits. He has changed so enormously since he was born that it shocks me every day. Benny now takes an interest in books and pictures, which can keep his attention for several minutes while sitting in our laps. He is a VERY vocal baby, and his vocabulary has now extended to consonant sounds like d and g and m and b, as well as a huge array of previously uncharted vowels, some of them quite -- uh -- piercing. His vision has improved at distances, or so I assume by the fact that stroller rides and walks in the frontpack have become much more interesting to him and less soporific. I can also tell that his surroundings are getting more interesting because he has begun a serious battle with sleep -- he doesn't want to succumb to it even when he's dog tired. He can now hinge his legs up and point his feet to the sky, and continues to wave his arms around enthusiastically (if a bit randomly) all the time. He's decided that his hands are excellent chewing material, so a handshake with Benny is likely to be moist at this point. He can hold his head up fairly reliably and move it around to look at stuff. He has also twice grabbed Pooh bear's ears and several times grabbed his rhino's horn. He always appears surprised when this happens so I think it is still random. He much prefers sitting up to lying down when he's awake, but has to be held up of course. He also enjoys getting held high over Daddy's head -- the look on his face when this happens is priceless. I'm getting better at interpreting his cries -- he has a very specific and urgent cry that means he's tired which I am learning to deal with in various ways. Sleeping isn't going so great -- he's still up every 3 hours all night and usually nurses more often than that during the day. He is, however, a very growing boy, so I understand the relentless hunger. He's now wearing six month clothes because he's so long. Yikes. He's also got a new, fine dusting of red hair on the top of his head. So much for the theory that it would come in brown! March 10 Do you know what I love? I like when he wakes up in the morning and he's got all his farts and poops saved up from the night, but he's not unhappy or in a bad mood or anything, and he rolls around in the bed making funny faces and hinging his legs up and down and waving his arms and farting and pooping. I always lie there with him and let him do it until his diaper is full to bursting. I just hate ending that beautiful morning time. I have never liked mornings until now. It's so weird that the farts and poops that enrage and torment him at 7:30 pm can be so entertaining and fine at 7:30 am. Bizarre. March 15 Here we are at eleven weeks of age, and we have had an astonishing, earthshattering, mindblowing development JUST TODAY! Today, Benny is able to keep the binky in his mouth all by himself reliably without it having to be poked back in every few seconds!!! This is a hugely
important skill because now when he slightly wakes up from a nap,
instead of having to be soothed back to sleep with a small snack, he can
now be soothed back to sleep with a deftly inserted binky. This is also
hugely important because it means that instead of needing a breast to
help him move his gastrointestinal processes along, he can now use the
binky! Basically, what it all comes down to is that I can spend a bit
more time with my shirt buttoned. It's funny because I was just saying to Dan yesterday how Benny's not going to be pacifier-addicted because he doesn't really use one that much. Today, he actually FELL ASLEEP WITHOUT CRYING which hasn't happened for a LONG time, because he had the pacifier in his mouth as he was getting sleepy. This is REVOLUTIONARY because about a week ago he stopped falling asleep while eating, and for a week now he gets upset when he gets tired, and the only way to get him asleep is to bounce him on my shoulder as he cries. Yet TODAY he fell asleep on my lap with the binky in his mouth, and that nap ended up being TWO HOURS LONG! HOORAY!!! March 18 Benny
had his two-month checkup on Wednesday, so I must report the results. He
now weighs 16 pounds and 5 ounces, and is 26.5 inches long. This is
perfectly normal size and weight for a SIX MONTH OLD BABY. The doctor
was very amazed and pleased and the nurses came in to look at the giant
specimen. Obviously, he is way off the "normal" charts for his
age -- he has left the shaded area on the graph far behind. This
explains why my back has been murdering me -- toting a sixteen pound
baby around all day is no small feat! He has now officially outgrown his
3-6 month pajamas, and many of his 3-6 month outfits, some of which he
only wore a couple of times. *sob* It
hardly seems possible that our little baby is three months old! But he
is! Today! Weep! Gasp! BENJAMIN SLEPT FOR FOUR HOURS IN HIS CRIB LAST NIGHT. This is the first time he has slept in his crib with the baby monitor on in his room (which is completely separate and different from our room) with his mother weeping and straining her ears at the other end of the monitor in her room (which is completely separate and different and removed from his room) ALL BY HIMSELF. AND
IT WAS FINE. NO ONE HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. When it was time to get up
and eat, he yelled for me and I heard him on the monitor and woke up and
went in and got him. I don't like him having to yell in the night -- I'd
rather have him close enough to hear the first sleepy snuffle, but this
is better, in the long run. He didn't CRY he just yelled. And I
immediately went and got him. CAN YOU TELL IT WAS A ROUGH TIME? ROUGH! I'm not going to say it was ENJOYABLE for me, and I have slept better in my life, but it is a step in the right direction, and a necessary step, because baby is getting too big for his cradle. *weep* He's so boisterous in his rolling and flipping around that I'm afraid he's going to roll it right over, and we can't have that. So the cradle is going to become a toy holder (because I didn't do all that work on that mattress and those bumpers just to put it in the attic!) and the baby is going to sleep in the crib. I can't help thinking that if he was a normal sized baby, I would have to do this for another three months! But maybe I would. IT WILL ALL BE FINE. April 7 Of course, last night at 5:00 am when he had been up for two hours and brisk and cheerful as a spring day, I was not feeling quite so glorious about him. This crib-sleeping thing is rough. Last night instead of taking him in bed with me after his first wake-up, I put him back in the crib (at midnight) and at 3:00 he was up and expecting some playtime and fun. YIKES. He didn't want to nurse, didn't want to sleep, just wanted to lie there and gurgle and coo and raspberry and generally be charming and irritating. FINALLY at 5:00 I got him back to sleep and it was SO TEMPTING to bring him in bed where I knew he would stay asleep, but I didn't. I put him back in the crib. He slept until 8:00. He is now asleep again for his morning nap and I should be sleeping too but hey... what can I say? April 16 I
come to you buried in baby spittle to report several important news
items. Benny would like to say HAPPY EASTER from the bottom of his marshmallow soul and sugar covered heart. Benny is much recovered from his teething difficulties. He was such a little pill down in South Carolina that I was starting to put my eyes out with forks (yes just STARTING to do it -- like -- I had my hand on the silverware drawer) but since we've been home, he has been in a very good mood, laughing and talking and playing with his feet and having a grand old time. He is becoming very coordinated. We got him a stacking rings toy and he can grab the rings and wave them around. No stacking action just yet but he likes to look at it when it lights up and plays the Brandenburg Concerto. He is very dedicated to becoming a master of rolling from front to back, and practices constantly. Today, he pushed himself up on his hands so that his chest was elevated several inches -- this is a first. He can prop himself on his elbows of course, but this was actual hands-and-knees except for the knees. He can sit up in the swing without wanging his head around dangerously -- today he sat up all the way through Baby Mozart and you know that's a grueling experience. In a few more days we're going to start him on green beans at supper time. He is gobbling rice cereal down like a real champ every night. He's become so upright and strong that we're going to get him an exersaucer and a high chair very very soon. For now he's eating suppertimes in the bouncy seat. So that is our Easter update!April 28 Benjamin was four months old yesterday and no one is more shocked than his mother. Here is an update on the young man: He's starting to take a serious interest in the cat and dog. Because we're planning to teach him baby signs (signs he can make to converse before he has the ability to use speech) we decided to use "cat" and "dog" as two of the five first signs he's supposed to learn (there's a method to teaching it and of course I'm slavishly following it). The sign we chose for dog is panting. Benny thinks it's hilarious. Anyway, he's reaching for Hoity and Hobbes when they wander past him, and focusing on them when they're across the room. This is less than thrilling for the animals, but Hoity passed the "The baby grabs a handful of my fur and yanks on me and I don't scratch or kill the baby" test. Everyone! Together! Sigh with relief! *sigh* We have started teaching Benny about taking naps in his crib by himself instead of being held while sleeping during the day. As I write this, he has been asleep in his crib for an hour. We are also teaching him to fall asleep on his own. This is a very terrible process and one that is making me miserable and gray. Last night he had a bath, a story, a bedtime snack, and a new diaper, and then I laid him in his crib all cozy and left the room. He fussed for 30 minutes and then fell asleep. That was the worst 30 minutes of my life, including the 30 minutes before he was born, which held the title before last night happened. However, we both survived. He's now wearing size three diapers and size 12 month clothes. Stop the car -- this baby is enormous. Benny
recently visited South Carolina, in order to see if the confederate flag
was really flying from the capitol building (it was, to his horror).
Since Daddy is down in Columbia most of the time on a consulting job, we
wanted to check out the city and spend some time with dear old Dad. We
celebrated our third wedding anniversary in Charleston, which was very
beautiful and interesting, although the cobblestones made the stroller a
little bit of a problem. Our conclusion was that people in the 1800s
didn't take stroller rides too much, or else they just had their brains
jiggled. Benny believes that the cobblestone-induced brain-jiggling
might explain the Civil War. He's going to publish a paper on the topic
as soon as he gets a minute. All his rattles and toys have suddenly become fabulously entertaining because he can pick them up and wave them around and throw them. Books are also a good source of entertainment. He will sit in my lap and look at a whole picture book, as long as I don't dawdle and as long as the voices I use are varied and dramatic. I have added "Little Red Benny Head" to my stable of stories to tell him each day, along with the Three Little Pigs and the Three Bears. Next is Puss in Boots and Jack in the Beanstalk, and then we're going to have to invent some new stories, since Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and others of that genre just seem a little too girl-o-centric. Yeah yeah, be virtuous and humble and you get to marry a prince. So what? No one here is interested in hearing about cleaning dwarf hovels for fun and profit. Raspberries have come back in style. Just like disco, it all comes around again I guess. He uses raspberries for everything from crying to laughing -- they are a multipurpose verbalization. He'll raspberry for anyone who will raspberry back. He considers us well trained in this respect, since we will play raspberry exchange for as long as he likes. And then change his shirt. Because of the drool, you know. He's also a big talker, and will hold long conversations with any toy, person, or carpet that happens along. And he can roll back to front and front to back. And he can sit up by himself if he's in a cushiony chair. And he can conjugate Latin verbs. Except for the verbs. Here are some things I will miss about Benny at this age: The way he focuses on something vague and wandering with his eyes while he gnaws desperately on my knuckle. The way his hand trails up and down my arm pinching little pieces of skin while he's nursing. The way he shakes his head back and forth to stop himself from falling asleep. The way his eyebrows seem to be lifting his whole head when he's lying on his belly. The way he examines his toes so seriously. The way he rubs his gums back and forth on my shoulder. The way he delicately puts his tongue out to examine his toys, with his eyes rolled up. The way he makes his whole body go straight and stiff and purses up his mouth and squeaks when he is excited. His completely random and uncontrolled tub-splashing. His fingers that are constantly grasping and feeling and exploring for textures, even when he's concentrating on something else. This baby just keeps getting better and better.May 8 Beans
Beans I have several important things to report. 1. Yesterday evening Benny ate a whole half-cup of cereal for supper, and since he still seemed interested in shoveling it in, and since Daddy was home to witness the grand event, I cracked open the grean beans I had been stockpiling, and gave it a go. He was SHOCKED and APPALLED. Apparently, when all you've been eating is milk and rice cereal, beans come as a big surprise. I'm definitely going to get the video camera out this evening for Beans vs Benny Round 2. His facial expressions are just hilarious. BUT HE ATE IT ANYWAY! It was like he was saying, "OOOH MOMMY it's poison! POISON! But I am so hungry that I eat up the poison in big heaping spoonfuls!" Hee hee. 2.
After his big supper he had a very necessary bath, and then ate a bunch
more milk, and then fell asleep. He then slept for (drum roll please) (bbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrr)
SEVEN AND A HALF HOURS. This is definitely the longest ever, and since
his previous record was five hours and that only happened once about two
months ago, you can imagine my surprise when I woke up at 3:43 and
looked at the clock. I actually got 5.75 hours of sleep in a row. I
don't know what to do with myself today -- I feel like a million bucks,
all green and wrinkly. 3. This morning Daddy left very early for South Carolina so Benny was up at six. He refused to take a nap all morning, stating that he was quite fine and awake and had no need of degrading old sleep. At 10:30, we were playing on the playmat and he got kind of fixated on pinching this one little shape on the mat itself, and fixated, and fixated, and fiiiiiiiiixated, and then I looked over and he had fallen asleep. That is the first time that has ever happened -- fell asleep on the playmat in the middle of an activity! :) So that is the Benjamin Report on this fine Monday. It's hot and ridiculous here in Virginia. We had to do our stroller ride early so we wouldn't fry.May 9 I
spoke too soon. Last night Benny ate an entire jar of beans with great
relish and lip smacking. No stink-face this time -- he is a convert.
Then he ate some cereal. I felt hopeful that he might repeat the great
feat of sleeping seven hours. Ha. He went to bed at 8:00 and then he was
up at 9:30, 11:30, 1:30, 3:30, and then up for good at 5:30. I feel like
a dead person. I CANNOT TAKE ANOTHER GROWTH SPURT. THE CHILD IS SO BIG
ALREADY. HE CANNOT GET ANY BIGGER. He is so tall. He is getting abs of
steel from doing his crunches. He has a stomach like a rock. He's
decided to forego figuring out how to lever himself up into a sitting
position using his arms, and just go ahead and yank himself up with
brute force. I'm so tired. I just couldn't believe he was up that much
and eating industriously for 20 minutes each time. I feel that this baby
is going to be a great athlete. He is so determined to |
sneakly,
helpless, dear, adorable, concerned, solemn, and he makes little mouse
noises. I ADORE HIM. You will too. To see is to adore. Speaking of
which, Dan went to get the film developed -- YAY! The little wonderboy
is currently sleeping on my chest. Good thing I have a reclining office
chair so I can kind of hooch in here and type with both hands. HA HA! He
just spend about 3 hours of total alert time -- up and interested in
surroundings, looking at his various rattles and toys (and horse beanie
baby) and his mother, and he made up this little song:
a huge
jet of urine that reached from me all the way down to the foot of the
bed. Then after all clothes and bedclothes were changed and clean, he
spit up down my shirt. AH LIFE.
st
putting him in this state of perpetual shock. IT WAS SO CUTE I CRIED. He
just kept doing it! The thing that gets me about Benny is that he is
such a genuine and sincere little person. Everything he does is true and
real. I just love the earnest worried expression on his face when he is
hungry and attempting to stuff his hand into his mouth, when his eyes
are questing about anxiously, and then the sagginess in his body when he
gets the food going in... it's so
evil-smelling diaper, shove it into the life-saving diaper-genie, and
give it a merciful twist. While I am at this, which takes about .3
seconds, keeping a hand on the baby, the baby inevitably explodes some
terrible excretion out his bottom, usually in a wide arc from butt to
everything in the room. Again I swab him off, replace the rash cream,
and whip on a new diaper at the speed of light. Changing pad goes in the
hamper, old outfit goes in the hamper, whatever I used to wipe off the
world goes in the hamper. New outfit goes on the baby. Now, somewhere in
this process, the baby has begun to holler indignantly. He is cold, he
is still hungry, he needs to burp, he has many complaints. So I think
that as long as he's screaming I will use the nose aspirator and get
some of that gunk out. I use it. He screams vehemently. We pull out a
sizeable worthwhile chunk of gunk. Then I pick the baby up and comfort
him, and his screams stop immediately. However, instead of burping, like
he should at this juncture, he goes straight back to sleep on my
shoulder. So I walk around aimlessly back-patting for a while, then I
sit back down in the rocker, organize everything again, and get him back
onto the same breast he was on before, to try and get the hindmilk that
will keep him asleep for more than 5 minutes between this feeding and
the next one. He nurses for ten or fifteen more minutes before falling
deeply, irrevocably asleep. I try to rouse him by blowing on his face,
tickling his chin, pumping his arm up and down. Nothing will wake him.
He is done, done, done. There is nothing on the planet that can possibly
wake him at all ever. I stand up, slither across the room to the door,
and switch off the light. His eyes pop open immediately. I walk about
for a few thousand more years, rocking and gently jouncing him to get
the eyes shut. Eventually, they shut, I navigate the hallway, always
stepping on or near at least one pet, causing them to rocket around and
crash into things, until I am hovering over the cradle. The baby is
asleep. With one hand, I prepare his nest, making sure I'm setting him
down on warm flannel that will not jar him awake with cold, and that his
blankets are ready to whip over 
him
instantly. I make the transfer. Immediately, the baby begins aggressive
grunting and squeaking maneuvers. He arches his back and strains,
grunting heavily, and making eleven wrinkles in his head as he attempts
to use his forehead to pry his eyes open. Sometimes, with many long
years of back-patting and shhhhhing and cradle-rocking, the grunting and
squeaking and writhing can be converted into sleeping. Many times,
however, it results in a loud wet BRRRRT sound which can only mean that
the diaper we once loved so dearly is now full of wicked substances and
the changing process must be begun anew. A few special times, notably if
there is any daylight even hinting at approaching, he just won't go back
to sleep at all, ever, even if you pay him a million dollars, even if
you lie on the floor and cry, even if you back-pat and shhh until your
hand is withered and old and you throat dries and cracks from the
strain.
