25 Things About American Idol

1. All the dead idols have come out in their heavenly raimant to join in singing these dreadful, painfully literal lyrics. Taylor looks like he just took a big slurp on a rat turd.

2. The O'Donahue twins stiff in Birmingham Alabama. Commander, permission to inject botulism? Permission granted.

3. WOW. SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE IS COMING BACK! I CAN LIVE. Dan, on the other hand, may not make it.

4. Live must be experiencing arterial bleeding if they're willing to come on this show. I do not think this blood type is a match.

5. Puck 'n' Pickler. Is this a pilot? They borrowed their background music from the part on The Sims where you're fixing the Sims' hair.

6. Meatloaf is having some kind of a McPhit. The phact that they're trying to really act out the song is making me McGrossed out.

7. It's about time for another Adam Sandler vehicle. This one with 100% less Drew Barrymores. Too bad.

8. The Golden Idols are only funny if the people are there to accept the award. Which they are not. Oh, wait. One of them is. Cut to commercial.

9. Coca Cola Blak is vile. Don't buy it.

10. More Puck 'n' Pickler. It was a pilot! Where is PETA when they would actually be useful? They could have saved poor Wolfgang Puck from gasping for air on the table while Kelly pokes at him for comedy.

11. It's the boys in black! Mutton Mouth Covington! Chicken Little Covais! Creepy Pink-nosed Ace! Barn-building Elliot! That bald guy from Live! And Taylor, the only one who actually owns that jacket. This is supposed to make me want to buy tour tickets. I'm just so afraid of Ace's giant face.

12. Dan totally loves Taylor Hicks. He is... like... a big fan. Sorry honey, I had to out you.

13. Elliot and Mary J. Blige is the only good performance of the night so far. He should have done this song (without her) during the competition, instead of that obscure old crap he was always trotting out. He totally killed on that number. And he probably can build a mean barn.

14. Pirates of the Caribbean trailer: AWESOME. CANNOT WAIT. MUST SEE.

15. Dan is secretly a huge Carrie Underwood fan. He has Carrie Underwood CHECKS. I can't believe it either, but it is true.

16. Nothing about this show has been funny, that was meant to be funny. The only thing that was funny was Meatloaf and Katherine McPhee being all "Oh we're fighting! Oh we hate! Oh we're making up! Yeah!".

17. What's wrong with Toni Braxton's mike/voice/wig?

18. Time for the girls' group number. I loathe all of these songs. I find myself asking who these people are? Lisa Tucker's eyebrows, fortunately, were able to fill me in. Dan says they googled "woman" to come up with this set list. But, he is a huge Mandisa fan.

19. Clay Aiken looks like a lesbian. Dan says that was the best double take ever.

20. I can suffer a lot of things, but not the Burt Back-a-rack classics. Fortunately there's a little button on the right that makes the Tivo do a mercy killing.

21. About halfway through the Brokenote Cowboy skit, one producer took a stern look at his soul and rethought the whole "Golden Idol" motif.

22. Prince is Paula Abdul.

23. Dan just said the words, "I'd kill my soul for you." We were talking about real estate, but still. I think that's the most romantic thing he's ever said, and it happened during a Prince song. While Prince was combing his... hair? Of course, he also just pondered aloud why he doesn't hear the song Boogie Shoes more often.

24. More literal soundtrack with "Time of my Life." Wait, are Katherine and Taylor getting married? It does beat last year's multiple repetitions of "Want To Cry Inside Your Heaven" or whatever it was.

25. Here's a Brit to certify that Ryan is inflating the number of people that voted, and the weight given to America's opinion by the producers of the show. And the winner is crowned.

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