Amazing Race Recap Week 1

Episode 1:

TEAM ONE-LEG: She has one leg. He built her prosthesis. It was love in the precious bodily hydraulic fluids. They just started dating.

TEAM MUSLIM: They’re Muslims from Cleveland and they will pray constantly, dammit. If you stop them from praying, they will flip the hem of their long gowns around at you. In a haughty manner.

TEAM CONSIDERING: They want to see how they do under pressure before they get engaged or not. She needs to learn not to control him. He needs to learn not to let his hair do that freaky kitten thing. I’m betting this will be the fighting couple. He looks like a real jerkimer.

TEAM PAGEANT: Miss California and Miss New York. They are both blonde.

TEAM COALMINER: Some married teams get the caption “Married.” These two get the caption “Coalminer and Wife.” That pisses me off, for some reason. They are married with kids for 9 years. They have accents.

TEAM BROTHERS: Bodybuilders and Asians. Brainiacs.

TEAM LESBIAN: A lesbian and her Dad. He’s weeping on TV because she’s gay, but they’re really trying to work on their relationship.

TEAM INDIAN: These people get the caption “Married” and not the caption “Indians.” Because it’s about the relationships, not about the categories. Except for the coal miner. With him it’s about categories. These two want to see the world and have adventures before they start having kids. This is a very good idea.

TEAM CHEERLEADERS: Cheerleaders.

TEAM MODELS: Models and drug addicts, that is. They met in recovery and their friendship blossomed. The models both have kitten heads too.

TEAM MOMS: They are single moms and black. I like them.

TEAM GAY: They are boyfriends and they look eerily similar.

GO! Phil starts the race, after promises surprises we never expected. The teams are released to their Mercedes SUVs. But first they all stop and read the clue while they pick up their bags. They are going to Beijing, China. Why don’t they ever just read the clue *on the way*? That’s what normal people would do. The Muslims take an early lead while but the Lesbian, the Coalminer, and the Pageant Girls have trouble with their gears. The Coalminer actually says, “I ain’t used to these moving vehicles.” Team Considering is already fighting because Mr. Considering is a jackass. Team One-Leg contemplates how her one leg is going to be seen by the other teams, and I realize that Mr. One-Leg is gay. They get to the airport first. Mrs. Coalminer asserts that their team will be 50/50 even though at home the man makes the decisions. The Muslims are praying in the car.

The major drama with this first segment is that the THRIFTY (wow!) RENTAL CAR RETURN (yoicks!!!) is totally like OFF SITE from the rental car return place and it totally throws like EVERYONE for a big loop and it’s extremely dramatic to the point that one person even says, “It couldn’t get worse.” Wow, with incredible obstacles like this to overcome, I don’t know how these teams are going to make it from the bathroom to the bed. Teams, take a note, I am not being entertained by this. It’s 20 minutes into the show and we’re not even all in the airport. All over America, I can hear the sound of people counting down to Gray’s Anatomy or Desperate Housewives or whatever comes on at 9:00. Meanwhile, the Muslims won’t shake hands with the cheerleaders because they’re women, and the Brainiac Brothers bring *squirt guns* into the airport to play a fun game of immediate confiscation. So, okay, that was a little entertaining.

They have to go to a restaurant called Gold House and everyone does. They have to eat FISH EYES and everyone does. Apparently, they are not that bad. The beauty queens have some issue with finding it but who cares?

Then they have to go to the Forbidden Palace, find the Meridian Gate, and grab a tile with a time on it. 7:00, 7:15, and 7:30. Team One-Leg gets there first, and Mr. One-Leg gives his partner a totally gay kiss and says, “Good job, kid!” Everyone else gets there. Mr. Indian says something very endearing about his wife and they become my favorite team.

The last team to arrive gets the tile that says, “Last Team.” I wonder what will happen to the last team to arrive at this seemingly non-pit-stop, in this race that is going to be full of totally unexpected surprises???? They will get eliminated. And they are the Muslims. Everyone cries. Especially the producers who really want to do something for world peace by including Muslims in their reality shows. Where’s the Arab team on the new Survivor, CBS? I’m totally offended. When I say everyone cries I mean they literally DO CRY. As in weep.

Morning dawns and the prosthetic leg is leaking fluid. Mr. One-Leg says, “This is one of the things I can’t fix.” Kinda like the fact that you’re gay and this small blonde person with one leg is obviously in love with you. Another tough problem. Everyone jumps into motorcycles with side cars. Cool!!! I want one!!! Team Coalminer is wearing matching t-shirts that say, “Friends in Low Places.”

Detour!! Labor or Leisure?

Labor: Pave a 45 foot square with bricks in a specific pattern. Leisure: Learn a Tai Chi (I think) routine involving a paddle and a ball and balancing it. Everyone chooses the bricks except Team Gay and Team Cheer. The trick to the brick thing is that you have to put big bricks around the outside first, before starting with the smaller bricks. This buggers almost everyone. People shout at each other. The models figure it out and everyone copies off them. Conflict boils up between Team One-Leg and Team Moms. Hard to tell why. Team Pageant is falling for Team Models. I’m not entirely sure, but I think Team One-Leg faked some kind of medical emergency to steal a cab from somebody. If so, I gain immediate fondness and respect for them. Here I thought they were just all pious and like “We can totally do it with positive thinking!” I really hope they’re big cheaters!!! Too good.

Meanwhile the sweet, nice, married people are lost on the motorbikes and get to the bricks very late. Team Considering is exploding over their inability to figure out the big brick border situation. Team Gay and Team Cheer get to the dancing lesson and start learning the moves.

The pit stop is at the Great Wall of China, but you have to climb up it to get there. Team One-Leg cannot find the place to climb, and he ends up dragging her all over the place before they find it. When they find it, she has an awful time, because she basically has to climb up a rope, with just little loops in the rope to help her. Okay, this girl sounds very fruity, but she is all badass for getting up that wall. Her gay boyfriend talks her up, and I find myself thinking, hey, if it works for them. Team Model/Addict gets to the pit stop first and wins $20,000. Lesbian and Dad get up amid tears – they never thought they’d be hanging out and bonding like this. Team One-Leg gets there third. Then Team Pageant.

Mr. Considering tells their driver to go to the Great Wall, and Ms. Considering feels it necessary to specify, the Great Wall of CHINA. China. Not the Great Wall of Boise or anything.

Team Mom, Team Gay, and Team Coalminer have problems on the wall and some of the more athletic teams pass them. However, they all get there. Then the nicest team in the race, the married Indian couple, gets eliminated. Which totally sucks. Now the people who are hollering “SHUT UP!” at each other can go on, and the people who are loving and kind to each other can go home. Evs!!!

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