Survivor Cook Islands Recap Week 2

Survivor Cook Islands Week 2

Do we have extra “last week on Survivor” because off the profusion of teams and recycling of old twists and the sheer overwhelming number of survivors in the coming on? Why are the names on their flags longer than the names on the credits? Is it Raro or Rarotonga? Is Captain Cook ever going to become relevant? Should I have avoided the broccoli at dinner?

Dan tells me that there are two spectacular events to watch for in this episode. Poor man had to watch it TIVO-ing while I was putting the kids to bed. I am restless with anticipation over these two exciting events!!!

HIKI: Hiki cannot get the flint to work, and does not have fire, and therefore does not have water after four days. It’s so weird because Sekou *said* that if they voted him out they would have no fire. It’s the curse of Sekou! Sundra notes that they are feeling extra pressure because they are the African American tribe. I don’t really want to pay this much attention to the show, but I’m guessing that all the tribes will say this about their respective races at some point. Eventually Rebecca starts the fire. Woops – no curse.

AITU: The tribe catches an amazing amount of fish and clams and crabs. J.P. says that Latinos are good workers. Cristina reveals that she is a police officer who almost lost her arm after getting shot. Ozzy impresses me by devising a chicken trap out of a net. Cristina gives him some input on its construction, but because she’s a cop, she doesn’t have anything useful to say. Ozzy catches a chicken (awesome!!!) and they eat it. Is he the first person to successfully catch and eat a bird on Survivor? The last time a tribe ate this well was when that crazy knifey guy caught a wild pig. Remember that?

PUKA: Wow, I was impressed with Ozzy’s trap, but Yul caught two chickens at once with a box and a stick. Yul and Becky are forming a Korean alliance. Because they’re Korean. The Korean word for older brother is “boring.”

RARO: Jonathan comes back from Exile Island without finding the idol. On his return, he growls that the kids haven’t worked on the shelter at all, so he tries to kick them into action. They need a shelter with a floor. His girl Jessica of the blue leggings (???) gets on board, but Adam is enraged by the idea of a raised floor. He does not want to waste energy on something that doesn’t “look good.” He will not work on the raised floor. He is starving, dehydrated, and he has sand in his ass. Candace counsels her butt-chin lovahboy to be careful not to piss anyone off with his no-raised-floor agenda. Jonathan and Jessica stomp off to create the raised floor that their principles demand.


AITU: Billy is conserving his energy. He needs strength to eat coconut and fish caught by others. Ozzy is irritated b having to order Billy around. Billy is irritated by anything that involves movement. The girls have a sit-down with Billy where they encourage him to feel included.

PUKA: Cao Boi works his headache magic on Becky and she comes away feeling better and with a red stripe between her eyes. Soon everyone in the tribe will bear the terrible forehead mark. Later that night, in night vision, Cao Boi is making Asian jokes and his teammates urge him to quit it. They postulate, in dull monotones, that racist jokes just confirm people’s stereotypes. Cao Boi is like, Can I just tell one more joke? And the rest of his humorless team is like, No. So my awful husband has to google, “What do you call a Vietnamese man with three dogs?” I can’t tell you the answer because Yul and Becky and Jenny and whatever that other humorless troll is called will come to my house and bore me into a coma by explaining how racism is bad. Tomorrow I’m drawing a red line on my forehead with a washable marker. Dare me not to. Cao Boi is so COOL!

AITU: Ozzy, Cecelia, Ozzy, Cristina, Ozzy, and J.P. are planning to throw the immunity challenge so they can get rid of Billy. Meanwhile the camera shows a rat eating Ozzy’s underpants while Cristina interviews that she can’t trust Ozzy anymore. Stock footage foreshadowing! Next they’ll show a spider eating a fly. Or an eel coming out of a rock – ZAM!


Everyone gets treemail that says they’re going to have a challenge where everyone is tied together. Ozzy is still planning to throw it.

Dear Ozzy, In the game of Survivor, anyone that your tribe wants to vote out really bad should be kept in the game as long as possible, because as long as they want to vote him out more than you, you’re safe. Regards, Lydia.

At the challenge, they find out they’re playing for immunity, and also tarps for the first place team. AITU might as well hang a flag that says “We are throwing the challenge” because when they choose who to sit out, they do NOT pick Billy, even though he is standing there saying, literally, “I am terrible at these things, we should sit me out.” They sit out J.P. Jessica is wearing her completely inexplicable blue leggings. Everyone is tied together.

Jeff reads them a story about Captain Cook. Then they have to go through some kind of obstacle course involving ropes and a pond and a scaffolding thingy collecting seven plaques. AITU takes up a whole lot of time at the beginning studying a book about Captain Cook. It’s not like they are throwing the challenge or anything, they’re just being really super sure about all the details of Jeff’s story so they can totally win.

PUTA and RARO are both trying to win. They have to arrange their plaques to answer questions about the story Jeff told. They are extremely close to their mats, and Jeff chooses PUTA to win the tarps. Later, he clarifies it was a tie and they will both get tarps. Whatever. The controversy is just leaving me right at the back of my seat, with my head lolling on my shoulder, drool puddling on my arm. HIKI comes in third. AITU goes to take a shower real quick before strolling in last. They send Yul to Exile Island and then, with the tribes standing next to each other, Candace bumps Billy on the elbow and says, “I feel really bad for you guys.” Billy turns his long fat face and says sadly to the girls of RARO, “I’m next.” They say to him, patronizingly, “Awww, well we love you.” And he says, hungrily, “I love you too.” Then gets the creepiest smarmiest hoodiest smirk on his face. Keep this in mind. There will be a quiz later.

Ozzy reveals that AITU threw the challenge. Cristina feels yucky about it, and thinks it means that Ozzy is very conniving. Billy hopes he can find some crack to go through, to try and pull it out.

Yul, on Exile Island, finds the immunity idol. The clues are actually pretty cool this time, I think. He’s got a huge strategic advantage now, and he should be completely ecstatic, but he has no facial expression to offer us. Maybe next time. Come to think of it, last season, when Terry found the idol, he was kinda quiet about it too. Maybe the hidden immunity idol turns you into a smug robot.

Billy figures out that J.P. and Ozzy threw the challenge, and he tells Cristina that if he goes, she’s next. Cristina talks to Cecelia. Ozzy is worried now. He says something about how if they vote him out they’ll be sorry because they’ll be really hurting without him. Well, that line of reasoning worked well for Sekou, didn’t it? Will everyone vote for Billy? Or will Ozzy get a big surprise?

Surprising Tribal Council of Maximum Surprise:

1. Jeff pries it out of them: They threw the challenge.
2. Billy says they are stupid. J.P. says he won’t pull anyone’s weight.
3. Billy and J.P. get in a fight and shout at each other.
4. Billy says these words: I’m playing the game. That’s what I came here to do. My prize wasn’t even the million dollars. My prize was that I fell in love in this game. Love at first sight. Her name is Candace.

Candace from Raro? Candace who is sleeping with Adam? Billy claims that he and Candace are in love and to prove it, they mouthed the words, “I love you” to each other after the last challenge. He has *got* to be kidding but he won’t admit it. He is totally super-serious, down to his skull bandana. Billy reminds me of this guy I used to know in college called Maurice. They have the same chin and the same wobbly head. Everyone is completely shocked, including Jeff, who actually says that he has never been this shocked in his entire life by anything ever. I have to admit I am pretty shocked too.

Lucky Candace – Billy gets voted out. In his goodbye speech, he starts one sentence with “My biggest regret is…” and the next sentence is “I don’t regret anything.” Thank you. You suck. Get off the show.

Next week on Survivor, Parvati gets her flirt on, J.P. gets eaten by an octopus, and Cao Boi won’t stop talking.

Time for the season premier of The Office! JIM AND PAM! JIM AND PAM! JIM AND PAM!!!!

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