Jim Webb Vs. George Allen : Senate Debate

A Completely Irresponsible Recap
(which includes a lot of paraphrasing and partisan misrepresentation)

OPENING STATEMENTS!

George Allen: Note: Someone has told the man to smile while he talks. It looks bloody painful. Smirkety smirk-smirk, smirkysmirk smirk. Allen reports all the wonderful things the senate has done during his tenure, which takes about 30 seconds, then he gets right to sticking a Hillary/Kerry mask on Webb, coupled with a hairy and hot tax-raiser suit. He trusts free people and free enterprise.

Jim Webb: Webb obviously eats nails for breakfast. I’m surprised this dude stopped with saying that women shouldn’t be in combat. He looks like he’s a hair away from asking the League of Women Voters for a chicken pot pie. He criticizes the government. He talks kind of like James T. Kirk, and if anyone told him to smile while speaking, Webb likely broke open that person’s head and fed her brains to the dog.

Moderator to George Allen: People are dying in Iraq. John Warner (not up for reelection) wants to reassess it. Are you still going to stay the course?

Allen: Terrorists are totally awful people. I personally know the mother of one of the soldiers that died and she’s sitting in the third row right now, and she gave me her son’s dog tags and therefore I am completely not a heartless warmonger.

Webb: Republicans are splitting within their own ranks. We need strategies not clichés. If one more person says we need to stay the course and not cut and run, I’m going to cut their legs off and then poop a diamond.

Follow-up to Allen: How would you define victory in Iraq?

Allen: Iraqis are happy and in control and Iraq is not a safe haven for terrorists.

Moderator to Jim Webb: You used to be Secretary of the Navy. What would you do in Iraq?

Webb: Bring the countries in the region to the table and reach diplomatic solution. The problem is sectarian violence has taken over the country. We need creative leadership.

Allen: My opponent is all about surrendering, withdrawing, retreating, but we’re not occupiers. We’re liberators.

Followup: How would you define victory in Iraq?

Webb: A diplomatic solution and troops out. Note: Uses the word “internecine.” This is liberal code for “My opponent doesn’t even know the meaning of the word internecine.”

Moderator to George Allen: What about this Macaca business? What about these people who say you use the N word? Note: Yes, this moderator actually said “the N word” not the actual word.

Allen: I made a mistake. These allegations are baseless. I have a record of anti-racism. And don’t forget I’m a Jew. Blacks like me too.

Webb: No, actually, blacks like ME and Latinos and Muslims and boy scouts and tigers like me too.

Followup: So, are your old buddies who say you used the N word lying?

Allen: I don’t remember if I said it or not, but the word wasn’t part of my regular vocabulary. And blacks like me and Latinos like me, hell, people who don’t even know me endorse me. Note: I’m not sure what that means. People who don’t even know me endorse me? Who would say that?

Moderator to Jim Webb: What about this sexist article you wrote at the Naval Academy?

Webb: That article is 27 years old. Allen dug this up and spread it around and did commercials on it. As secretary of the Navy, I opened up more opportunities for women than anyone else in the whole wide world. Plus I employ tons of women. Even my campaign manager is a woman. She has boobs and everything.

Allen: Note: He kind of looks like a knobbly unformed, weak, cartoonish Baldwin. Yah, well, I like women and Latinos and blacks.

Follow-up: So, what do you think about women in combat now?

Answer: Fine, fine, I’m happy with what the military is today. Back then I was talking about specific combat roles where I thought women would be inappropriate.

TIME FOR THE PANEL! Let’s meet our panel: Lulu, from LWV. May-Lily from PBS. Ric from CBS. Lulu and May-Lily and Ric -- where are Dipsy and PO?

Lulu to George Allen: The government is being secretive and it’s hard to get information. How can you solve that?

Allen: The internet. More info should be made available online. Note: The man is still smiling fondly as if he’s talking about his grandchildren.

Webb: I spent 8 years in the Pentagon. The number of classified items has skyrocketed in this administration. This is a problem with the current congress and a result of a one party system without oversight.

May-Lily to Jim Webb: What about the gay marriage amendment?

Webb: I oppose it. It takes rights away from people. We already have a law that defines marriage, and we don’t need one in the constitution.

Allen: The most important institution is the family. Ethics. Virtues. Love. Marriage should be between one man and one woman, and this is a way to protect the values and views of the people of Virginia from evil judges. I totally support it with the last drop of red blood in my American veins.

Ric to George Allen: Should tax dollars be used to help out people who are here illegally? Like for shelters and stuff?

Allen: We shouldn’t reward illegal behavior with amnesty. Protect our borders with a fence with sensors. This is a country that has been built by legal immigrants.

Webb: Let me specifically answer your question. This administration has failed on immigration. They haven’t addressed the problem. The shelters you’re talking about are helping keep people safe, and away from the 7-11s and other local businesses where they usually congregate to look for jobs and help. They’re an inefficient solution while we wait for a real one.

Lulu to Jim Webb: We keep borrowing from Asian countries and also Social Security. Is that cool or not?

Webb: It’s not cool. Especially China. We need pay as you go budgeting. We need to get out of Iraq.

Allen: I agree that China is a threat. But I believe that there should be a Taxpayers Bill of Rights, with protection from raised taxes, a line-item veto for the president, protection against raising taxes, and other stuff that totally means I do not want to raise taxes or spend any money.

May-Lily to George Allen: What about alternative fuels? We’re so dependent on foreign oil.

Allen: It’d be great if we had alternative fuels and stuff. The problem is that they can’t travel through pipelines. We need more facilities for making biodiesel in Virginia. Note: Then he smirks like he just ate a gumdrop!

Webb: This administration is in the pocket of big oil. We need to be more like Brazil and use solar, wind, nuclear, and ethanol for power.

Ric to Jim Webb: You said affirmative action is state-sponsored racism. You still feel like that?

Webb: I feel like affirmative action was meant to fix the wounds of slavery, and then ballooned out to include all kinds of other minorities. Now, white males are the only ones excluded. I think it should only assist African Americans, who are the only ones who suffered from from slavery.

Allen: What about Indians, eh? Indians? Remember them? Let me talk more about energy independence. We should improve education. Note: And he goes over the bell. Again and again.

During the next portion of the program, they can ask each other questions. Two each!

Allen to Webb: Aren’t you a big lousy taxer?

Webb: There has been a migration of wealth in this country in the last six years toward the top 1% of the population. They used to have 8% of the wealth, and now they have 16%. We also have massive deficit. I want to focus on where our corporate taxes are. You can’t keep spending like this without paying for it.

Allen: Do you know how many Virginians benefited from the tax cuts you have criticized?

Webb: Do you know how many people you affected when you got rid of the tuition tax break?

Allen: Answer the question! Do you know how many Virginians? Hmm? Do you? Saucy smarty man?

Webb: Do you know how many people you’ve put out on the street with your crappy legislation?

Allen: Answer the question! How many Virginians! If you’re going to make proposals, you should know how many people you’re going to affect!

Webb: What proposal are you talking about? It’s not the one you put in your ad, because you made that up.

Moderator: Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.

Webb to Allen: How can you raise your own pay 4 times while voting against raising minimum wage 4 times?

Allen: You are friends with Hillary Clinton and John Kerry. You are totally their friend and they probably drove you here tonight.

Webb: You’re misrepresenting to the people of Virginia how I would vote on many issues. You’re using aggregate numbers, George, and you know it. Just like the numbers on your ads.

Allen: Well, you said. You said, you TOTALLY said, that you were going to raise taxes all over the place!

Webb: Not so much. But whatever. I’ll break your skull with my bare hands at the polls.

Allen to Webb: Do you oppose Habeas Corpus for detainees? Or do you hate America?

Webb: We all want information about potential dangers, but we can’t allow this shit to go on without oversight! Congress is not doing any checking or balancing. If there’s some reason that this government believes that other Americans shouldn’t check on them, then there’s a problem.

Allen: I asked about the right of the detainees to file lawsuits. And you’re friends with Hillary Clinton and John Kerry, and these lawsuits clog up our courts and are inappropriate. Can you answer about that? Are you with Bush or Specter?

Webb: We have to make sure that whatever we are doing to people is in accordance with the Geneva Convention and will not blow back on our own troops who are in harm’s way. You have to take a moral high ground when dealing with people around the world.

Webb to Allen: We have a situation in the Senkaku Islands which could blow up into an international incident and I’m wondering what you think about it, George.

Allen: I have never heard of them. I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Webb: The Senkaku Islands are right by Taiwan and there’s a dispute over who they belong to. It’s about the security of Taiwan, Japan, and China, and the islands are all full of oil, and it’s a big issue. So what do you think?

Allen: Taiwan should be free, because I’m all about freedom and liberty.

More questions from the moderator, since we have extra time!

Modator to Allen: You went from a 16 point lead to a statistical tie. Why?

Allen: The campaign shifted from issues and ideas to stuff like my Macaca comment and other crap that Jim Webb smeared on me. I want to make sure to bring it back to being about issues. And I like blacks, Latinos, and women. We want to be the “World Capitol of Innovation!” Write that down! I just made that up!

Webb: On Monday he said he was going to focus on issues, and on Friday he sent out another negative ad, with a woman who claimed to be misquoted in my article, when she wasn’t even quoted in the article. Maybe he should bring it back to issues too.

Moderator to Webb: Should Hastert resign? Or what?

Webb: Oh, I dunno. Who cares. If the leadership fell down on the job, there should be some accountability.

Allen: As a father, I am totally smiling and mugging while I tell you that pedophilia is despicable. I have totally tried to stop people from molesting interns and pages and stuff. As for Hastert, if it comes out that people put politics before protection of children, they should be taken out and shot.

CLOSING STATEMENTS!

Allen: Thanks for your prayers. I am the religious candidate. I smile while I talk. I have a plan to turn Craney Island into a fourth port, and be energy independent. Stuff matters. Knowing how many people will be affected if you take out our tax breaks matters. Elections matter. Issues matter. Keeping people safe matters. Having a biscuit matters. Voting for me matters.

Webb: I like John Warner and he likes me. Allen is the White House’s little happy dog. Look if you were scared by 9/11 and thought you had to vote republican, this is a chance for you to return to the democrat party. Now you can be bold on national security and also feel comfortable with your candidate’s positions on social justice. I hope you feel you can now come home. A senator’s duty is to speak on behalf of those who have no voice. There are a bazillion lobbyists buzzing around Washington, and you need a senator who cannot be bought or bossed. I am that guy. I would appreciate your support.

YOU GOT IT, BUDDY.

george allen
jim webb
debate
politics
virginia senate race