Survivor Cook Islands Recap Week 5

Survivor Cook Islands Week 5

Previously on Survivor: J.P. lazied and bossed himself into getting voted out by Raro, and Ozzy fished and hustled himself into getting tribal immunity for Aitu. Four and twenty survivors baked in a Pringle. Who will be voted out tonight?

Now for our confusing segment that seems to be part of the new show, but still happens before the coming on:

At Raro, the remaining boys complain around their little wooden toothbrushes that the girls are sleeping all day and do nothing. They launch an obtuse attack against this lazy attitude by finding a ton of wood, catching a ton of fish, and a bucket of crabs. Parvati notices that they’re trying to prove themselves to the women, that they’re more manly now that their top dog is gone.

Now the coming on. Oooeee Oeeee Ahhhh OOOoeeee Ahhhh. You know the supersaturated rest.

At Aitu, the girls opine that it’s a good day to sit around relaxing checking each other’s armpit hair, but Cao Boi is uncomfortable with the fact that the girls don’t do anything around camp. I have to say that I’m intensely fascinated by this “The girls don’t work, no, the boys don’t work, no, over here, it’s the girls that won’t work” plotline. It has me panting like a dog for each new episode. WHAT LAZY FOOL WILL BE BITCHED ABOUT BY A SANCTIMONIOUS ASS TONIGHT? I CANNOT BREATHE UNTIL I KNOW!!!!!!!

Reward challenge is for spices, fishing supplies, wine, and a chance to send someone to Exile Island. Remember when Survivor used to try to go to different, interesting places? Like Africa and Australia and Thailand and stuff? Now they just jump around Central America and the Caribbean Islands. Each tribe picks three pairs. Each pair stands on a platform, with one hand of each person holding a rope attached to a hook. Every two minutes, someone from the opposing tribe puts weight on the hook (apparently there’s another pair of weight-putter-onners). Last pair still holding up their hook wins for their tribe.

Nate and Adam look extremely uncomfortable standing on the platform together with their arms around each other’s waists. Hehehe. Yul and Jonathan too. Aitu’s loaders are trying to load up on Nate and Adam. Raro’s loaders are spreading it around. Apparently there’s a weight cap at 30 pounds per hook. After a while, Adam and Nate, Jonathan and Yul, all have 30 pounds each. Yul drops first and they sit down. Nate and Adam are doing something weird with hugging and I guess trying to redistribute the weight – Cao Boi points out that they make a nice pair and Nate sings “Ebony and Ivory.” Rebecca drops, Sundra drops. Flicka and Ozzy are the last ones holding for Aitu, and the Flicka of the magic leggings drops her weight, and Raro wins the reward. They decide to send Jonathan back to Exile Island. Congratulations, Nate and Adam. You looked like a couple of gay guys, but you won the reward. And really, I’m sure the screencaps of you cuddling will eventually fade from everyone’s retinas but yours.

Who here would do anything for money? Tim Allen, I don’t see your hand up… and yet… when I watched the trailer from Santa Claus 3: The Escape Clause, I was wondering how big the check had to be for you to call this a Trilogy.

When we come back from commercial, the camera shows us two empty wine bottles at Raro. Since there are seven people, I’m not sure this is a sign of drunken revelry. In fact, I’m sure it’s not a sign of drunken revelry – they definitely would have shown us that. Instead, it looks like everybody drank a chaste glass and a half and went to bed.

Adam comes back from fishing with an octopus wrapped around his leg, and Cristina apparently makes everyone mad by first bossing everyone around with cooking directions, then losing half the octopus in the ocean while washing it. Then she tries to blame Jenny for not being there to assist her with the intense two-person job of cleaning a pot of cut-up octopus. Everyone speaks threateningly about voting her off.

Over at Aitu, Ozzy is making plans to explore another nearby island, since they are “running out of resources” on their current island. This reminds me instantly of the Swiss Family Robinson, and endears me to him. Ozzy asks Candace to go out fishing, but she doesn’t wanna. She doesn’t want to expend the energy. Sundra begs off too, because she doesn’t want to be out there for hours, in the Boat of a Thousand Anecdotes, with Cao Boi. The Korean Alliance (Yul, Becky, Jonathan, and Candace) are thinking of sucking Sundra into their team, so while the brave explorers are out mapping the lagoon, they talk to her about it. This surprises me because I forgot Sundra existed.

On the exciting other island, Ozzy finds “Nonee” which is apparently an antiseptic. The trio set off to find coconuts, and they find… Raro. It is Raro’s island. Cao Boi is the big enthusiastic excited puppyman you’d expect him to be. Raro isn’t thrilled to see this little part of Aitu, but fortunately Cao Boi gabbles on about mythology for what looks like several hours. Finally, they get down to a deal. They are taking the Nonee. Can they take some coconuts? Adam says no, not on our island. Cao Boi offers to work together and split the coconuts, but Adam says no, we’ll go to your island and work together, but not on this island. One final insult, Cao Boi begs for a little bit of spices. And Adam says no.

The net effect of the encounter was that the invading Aitu people made Raro pre-sick of Cao Boi. If he makes it to the merge, Cao Boi will be the first one gone, just because he won’t talk talking about the giant turtle of life, or whatever. If Aitu had been smart, they would have noticed they were walking up on a camp, with a lot of cameras, and whatnot, and they would have snuck around in the jungle getting whatever coconut and Nonee they could find without announcing themselves. That might have been the most awesome development in survivor history, but no, they have to clump up to the camp and sit around awkwardly asking for handouts.

Immunity challenge: Race to assemble stepping poles, then use them to transfer two tribe members from one platform to another. Then all eight tribe members have to swim out and get on top of a very small platform. Stepping poles are like moveable stepping stones on stilts. Jenny and Flicka are going to be the first steppers. Jenny gets to the platform first and they go back for Parvati. Flicka gets there and they go back for Becky. Raro gets to their platform first and are released to swim out to the tiny platform. They have to get all tribe members onto a tiny platform, and clearly someone has to get on someone’s shoulders. People fall in the water. People grab each other’s bottoms. People’s noses are thrust into other people’s armpits. Aitu finally wins by hugging closer, or maybe it was the frictive property of Flicka’s leggings. Another confusing fragmented challenge.

Back at Raro, the tribe is planning to off Cristina. This surprise me because I forgot Cristina existed. Is she the cop? Or was that Cecelia? Is Becky Rebecca? Or is Rebecca Sundra? Stepphanie says something about missing mashed potatoes and gravy to Nate, and he embellishes it to the guys to be that she gave him the eye and said she could see herself with a mashed potato, wearing some gravy. Brad embellishes that to Parvati, to mean that Stepphanie rode a potato around the beach through gravy waves, singing the Star Spangled Banner. All conclude from this that Stephannie again wants to be voted out. The “Stephannie has mentally checked out of this game” meme spreads faster than the brazen and purposeful mispronunciation of the word “nuclear” by Bush supporters. Parvati checks with Stephannie, who says, no, she was just missing her mashed potatoes and gravy, and Parvati concludes that her potato comment was “extorted.” Brilliant girl, our Parvati.

It seems like they get Potatogate all sorted out and they’re back online with voting out Cristina

At tribal council, Nate complains that Cristina is dominant. Cristina apologizes, and says it’s because she’s a cop. So she was the cop. Who was Cecelia? Did she even exist?

Cristina votes for Stephannie. Stephannie votes for Cristina.

While we’re waiting for Jeff to tally the votes, I have a few questions: 1. Is Brad gay? Okay, that was really my only question. I could make one up about Adam’s chinbutt but that wouldn’t be genuine. And I am all about the earnest search for knowledge.

Woops, they voted out Stephannie. I like how Nate claimed to have her back because she was from the original black alliance, and then he happens to be the one who starts the rumor about how she can’t bear to go one more day without a bucket of mashed potatoes and gravy.

Next time on Survivor, Cristina argues that she’s not argumentative, Cao Boi missed the rule about how when you’re telling your dream you have to limit it to 2 minutes unless the dream was about the person you’re telling, and Jeff reveals next week’s big twist: Both tribes will vote people off. Yes, we’re starting to feel this dog dragging too, Jeff. Just bring out the cage and let them fight to the finish. This season is cooked.

Bonus information: 30 Rock GOOD. 20 Good Years BAD.

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