A Little Theater
Butt Paper
a one act play
starring Benny as Benny
and Dan as Dan
As the scene opens, Dad is marching briskly around vacuuming and straightening up the house (thank god someone is doing it) while I am chewing my wrists open and trying to bleed some life into my Nanowrimo novel. Benny is in the downstairs bathroom, where Dan is encouraging him to help with the straightening up. Note: Recently when I walk into the downstairs bathroom in the evening, I find a small poop in the toilet and the cool, electronic, flashing "Rainforest Cafe" drinking goblet turned on and upside down in the sink. Odd.
Dan: Benny, will you pick up that piece of toilet paper and put it in the garbage? (Note: It was clean toilet paper that had been shredded by the cat or someone equally nefarious like the baby, and left to die on the floor.)
Benny picks up the toilet paper and lifts the lid of the toilet to put it in.
Dan: The garbage, Benny. The garbage. (Note: The reason Dan wanted it in the garbage so bad, and not in the toilet, was because the toilet had just been flushed (probably because there was a small poop in it and a flashing glass in the sink) and if another little scrap of paper was in it, he'd have to flush it again, because he's just that guy.)
Benny: But DADDY, it is --
Dan: I know what it is, and I'm asking you to put it in the garbage.
Benny dangles his hand over the toilet, bursting with determination.
Dan: THE GARBAGE BENNY! THE GARBAGE! IT'S THERE! THE GARBAGE!!
Benny: But DADDY what I am trying to tell you is that it's TOILET PAPER.
Dan: And I'm asking you to put it in the GARBAGE!
Me, unhelpfully, from another room: But it's toilet paper! It's toilet paper!
Benny, totally vindicated: Mommy's right it's TOILET PAPER. It goes in the TOILET.
Dan: ACTUALLY, IT'S BUTT PAPER! THE ONLY REASON THEY CALL IT TOILET PAPER IS BECAUSE BUTT PAPER DOESN'T SOUND AS NICE! IF IT WAS CALLED BUTT PAPER WOULD YOU PICK IT UP OFF THE FLOOR AND STAND THERE DEMANDING TO PUT IT IN YOUR BUTT?!?
At which point Benny saw the value of that argument, put it in the garbage, and we all learned our lesson. The end. Or is it!??!? *dum dum DUUUUM*
Bonus Dan:
Woman on TV Commercial: Last night was exhausting. We didn't finish dinner until almost midnight, because we had such a steady stream of visitors and guests!
Dan: And we can just never eat too many visitors and guests!
*snicker*
11 Comments:
HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!! This post had me laughing out loud!!! Butt paper! Guests!!! AHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!
Dan: And we can just never eat too many visitors and guests!
SNORT!!
What, exactly, is the difference between a visitor and a guest? And how do they decide which one to eat first?
Butt paper. SNORT again!
That Dan, what a comedian.
That Benny, what a squirrel. You know he's going through some kind of toilet paper weirdness right now. Over here the other day, he came out of the bathroom with used toilet paper in hand, ran around the circle of living room, dining room, kitchen, hall, foyer, and back to the dining room where he tossed the paper onto the floor in front of the TV. When I told him to pick it up, he did so. My attention turned elsewhere. After he left, I found that paper behind the open computer armoire door.
butt paper! oh my dawg! very very funny!!!
and ahno - oh oh ick! is this what will be happening with my boy child in a few years? eeeek! hee hee
OK, it's clear that you both are creative and have great humor---so is Dan writing too?
Bwah-hahaha.... I think I'm the Dan in my household.
Joss said Ihad to come over here. Good think I do what Joss tells me. Way too funny. I am glad that someone thinks just like I do.
Ya know. . .that is just male to male communication. "He saw the value of the argument. . ."
Gawd! I don't think I can call it "butt paper" though. If my boys heard me, they'd be forever repeating it in both polite, and not-so-polite, company. Or at the dinner table. Or at church. Actually, I'm pretty sure they'd find a way to work it into most every conversation. Your husband is a very brave man for bringing it up that way.
Saw on your site that you're a homeschooling mom in VA that is doing NaNo. Geez, that sounds so familiar. WRITE LOTS!! I'm so jealous that you can blog right now. I've tried, but can't seem to do better than "Still doing NaNo. Word count up to *&^%* now. Have no creative juice left to blog. Promise to do better next month."
Ummmmm, can Dan come clean my house while I'm pretending to work on my NaNo novel? He can call the tp whatever he wants!
I think I just peed on myself! That so could have come from my house . . . but what's sad is my Benny is a girl, and I just as easily could be Dan. HAHA!!!
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