Benny

This evening, as I was tucking him in:

Benny: Mom I'm trying very hard to be like you, and the other adults. (If his behavior today is a manifestation of this attempt at mimicry, we adults are a bunch of little uncooperative shouting turds)
Me: Aww, Benny, you don't have to be like an adult. You can just be a kid. You're supposed to be that way.
Benny: But I've heard that if you're an adult, and you get married, then you get to have a baby.

Uhhhhh.... yes. That is true. And with that, I kissed him on the head, handed him his cat and went downstairs.

Pawprint

A "drain"!

Helper

Playing w/Ice

Freezer

Refrigerator

Guy on the phone: Did you know it is going to cost approximatly one million dollars for me to even LOOK at your crappy old refrigerator that came with your house? Before I even start fixing it!?

Me: No. I thought the whole thing would cost $100.

Guy on the phone: *THUNDEROUS LAUGHTER* Look here. Here's what you do. Look in the bottom of your freezer. Do you see a big block of ICE?

Me: Yes. Is that bad?

Guy: Take a hammer and break all that out. Don't go and kill the fridge, now. (?!??!!) At the bottom of all that there is a hole, and that is called D R A I N. (Thank you!)

Benny: (Loudly in my ear, holding a freeze-R-pop) What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this?

Me: SO WHAT DO I DO WITH THE DRAIN?

Guy: Make it hot so the water goes down it!!! THEN IT WILL NOT TURN INTO ICE IN YOUR FREEZER! THEN IT WILL NOT LEAK ALL OVER THE FLOOR!!!

Okay, he wasn't shouting. But I'm just saying... if it's that easy....

HERE I GO!

The Terrible Terrible Loss of it All

Benny has lost, through the commission of various crimes and misdemeanors, all of his privileges like TV, Playstation, and computer. All the electronic rectangles are gone, because of (bad) choices he made involving disrespect and direct disobedience. I don't know what has gotten into him today. Of course, it hardly matters, as he is now happily entertaining himself with a rubber snake and a song and has been for about an hour. But this morning, when the last electronic rectangle went the way of all flesh, he said, "OH MOMMY, DON'T LET TODAY BE THE DAY I LOST EVERYTHING."

It's so hard, in those situations, to not scream with laughter.

Bindi

You can't see it, but today he's wearing a sparkly bindi. Actually it's a sticker, but he feels things so deeply (isn't it obvious?) that I know it means more to him than just decoration.

Swimmers

Writer

Walk

Here we are setting out on our walk this morning with the Boston Terrier from the pits of the abyss. I have to assume that this is his origin because the gasses that have been leaking out of his back end can find their source only in the lakes of hell. I'm not going to say it's unprecedented stench, but its only precedent is other gas on other days from his particular backside.

Sadie toted her book along and when Benny asked her, a few blocks later, if she was reading Chicken Little, she answered, primly, "Yes."

What is it?

I'm deeply embroiled in a new sewing project -- making more reward ribbons for the winners of the 50 day practice challenge at the Academy of Music. You have to practice every day for fifty days. That's the challenge. So, I had 12 of these ribbons made, and was going to make 12 more, and am about half done with the other twelve, and today I found out only 11 children have earned the ribbon.

Which means I have 13 ribbons in various stages of construction that I don't really need. Something is making me try to finish them by Saturday anyway. Something horrid and smelling of Boston Terrier rump.

If I don't finish them, what do I do with all these limbs and organs?

Grill

Fire

Let's Get Real

This is a spandex dress. Spandex. I wore it when I was 22. That's only twenty more years than the number of children I have now. Which is the square root of pi times the size of my waist. Which is at least forty times the age of my dog. Knit one, purl two, subtract the number of days you stayed on the South Beach diet, and you have the reason I will not be wearing this dress again.

Unless the Firmness and Elasticity Fairy comes to my house in the night! Oh Firmness and Elasticity Fairy! I have a joooooob for yooooooooou!!

This has been a "Get Real" assignment from I Have To Say.

What's in your diaper bag?

Sadie

Dan

Boating

Escaping

More parade

Ice cream

Dog

Band

Parade

Benny

Benny just finished his math schoolwork for the day. His comment:

"Mommy! Happiness zero just came to happiness 100!!"

Little Blue Update

I updated my homeschool blog on the local paper's web site today. The entry is about yesterday when Veronica and I switched children again to do separate outings. Here it is on Little Blue School.

Borrowing & Carrying

School

Shoes

Appetizers

Appetizers: Goat cheese. Whole grain crackers. Apple.

Dan: "If you want to know what expired baby ear medicine tastes like, try eating some of that cheese on one of those apples."

Another fun conversation, from my husband who was playing rap music in the kitchen while answering emails at the kids' tiny table.

Me: *takes the lid off the cauliflower and drops scaulding water on the dog's head*
Dan: I'm totally blogging that. You scaulded the dog in front of PETA.
Me: You don't have a blog.
Dan: How long does it take for Dan to start a blog? One... two... *using the Tootsie Roll Owl voice*
Me: You would start a blog to report that I dropped cauliflower steam on the dog?
Dan: THREE.

Big

Boys

Starbucks drive through

Bird Show

Leroy

Bunnies

Girls

25 Things About American Idol

1. All the dead idols have come out in their heavenly raimant to join in singing these dreadful, painfully literal lyrics. Taylor looks like he just took a big slurp on a rat turd.

2. The O'Donahue twins stiff in Birmingham Alabama. Commander, permission to inject botulism? Permission granted.

3. WOW. SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE IS COMING BACK! I CAN LIVE. Dan, on the other hand, may not make it.

4. Live must be experiencing arterial bleeding if they're willing to come on this show. I do not think this blood type is a match.

5. Puck 'n' Pickler. Is this a pilot? They borrowed their background music from the part on The Sims where you're fixing the Sims' hair.

6. Meatloaf is having some kind of a McPhit. The phact that they're trying to really act out the song is making me McGrossed out.

7. It's about time for another Adam Sandler vehicle. This one with 100% less Drew Barrymores. Too bad.

8. The Golden Idols are only funny if the people are there to accept the award. Which they are not. Oh, wait. One of them is. Cut to commercial.

9. Coca Cola Blak is vile. Don't buy it.

10. More Puck 'n' Pickler. It was a pilot! Where is PETA when they would actually be useful? They could have saved poor Wolfgang Puck from gasping for air on the table while Kelly pokes at him for comedy.

11. It's the boys in black! Mutton Mouth Covington! Chicken Little Covais! Creepy Pink-nosed Ace! Barn-building Elliot! That bald guy from Live! And Taylor, the only one who actually owns that jacket. This is supposed to make me want to buy tour tickets. I'm just so afraid of Ace's giant face.

12. Dan totally loves Taylor Hicks. He is... like... a big fan. Sorry honey, I had to out you.

13. Elliot and Mary J. Blige is the only good performance of the night so far. He should have done this song (without her) during the competition, instead of that obscure old crap he was always trotting out. He totally killed on that number. And he probably can build a mean barn.

14. Pirates of the Caribbean trailer: AWESOME. CANNOT WAIT. MUST SEE.

15. Dan is secretly a huge Carrie Underwood fan. He has Carrie Underwood CHECKS. I can't believe it either, but it is true.

16. Nothing about this show has been funny, that was meant to be funny. The only thing that was funny was Meatloaf and Katherine McPhee being all "Oh we're fighting! Oh we hate! Oh we're making up! Yeah!".

17. What's wrong with Toni Braxton's mike/voice/wig?

18. Time for the girls' group number. I loathe all of these songs. I find myself asking who these people are? Lisa Tucker's eyebrows, fortunately, were able to fill me in. Dan says they googled "woman" to come up with this set list. But, he is a huge Mandisa fan.

19. Clay Aiken looks like a lesbian. Dan says that was the best double take ever.

20. I can suffer a lot of things, but not the Burt Back-a-rack classics. Fortunately there's a little button on the right that makes the Tivo do a mercy killing.

21. About halfway through the Brokenote Cowboy skit, one producer took a stern look at his soul and rethought the whole "Golden Idol" motif.

22. Prince is Paula Abdul.

23. Dan just said the words, "I'd kill my soul for you." We were talking about real estate, but still. I think that's the most romantic thing he's ever said, and it happened during a Prince song. While Prince was combing his... hair? Of course, he also just pondered aloud why he doesn't hear the song Boogie Shoes more often.

24. More literal soundtrack with "Time of my Life." Wait, are Katherine and Taylor getting married? It does beat last year's multiple repetitions of "Want To Cry Inside Your Heaven" or whatever it was.

25. Here's a Brit to certify that Ryan is inflating the number of people that voted, and the weight given to America's opinion by the producers of the show. And the winner is crowned.

american+idol taylor+hicks katherine+mcphee

Sadie and Barbies

Sadie knows just how she wants Barbies to behave. They have to be standing up -- no sitting or leaning or anything lowbrow like that. They need their arms straight out to the side. The person controlling the Barbie must hold the Barbie around the rib cage, preferably around her back. And they must be naked. Why Cinderella, I never knew! Poor Benny -- as if Zoo Tycoon isn't enough.

Playing Barbie with Sadie is mostly about her saying, "No, Mommy, like this!" Then when I finally get my act together, her Barbie tells mine, "Let's jump!" Then they jump until I need my technique corrected. Just Cinderella and Barbie, out for and afternoon jump on the sofa, in the buff, toes together and arms outstretched.

Leroy

Today when she woke up from her nap, Sadie called for Benny instead of Mommy.

Conversation between the spouses, via Messenger:
Lydia says:
leroy is farting
Lydia says:
bad
Lydia says:
bad farts
Lydia says:
loud ones you can hear
Lydia says:
he ate a whole piece of bread this morning
Lydia says:
and snarled at me when I tried to take it away
Lydia says:
and i spanked him and put him in his crate
Lydia says:
and he was very penitent
Lydia says:
but he had eaten most of it
El Gran Padre Blanco says:
you should shave him

Our First Fight

My little daughter is two years old. When she wakes up in the morning, her breath smells like cake frosting. She has the tiniest sticks for arms and legs, and silly little hands and feet, a big giant unruly head on top of a scrawny little neck you can sniffle in to make her laugh. Flossy hair, pearly teeth, she is a confection. She likes shoes, fairies, and ribbons, and puppies, and she asks strangers earnestly if they like her dress. She has never done anything to make me think she needed discipline, until last week. Last week, however, the "Time out" fairy came to call.

I recognized a while ago that I had a complete double standard with her and Benny. Benny had had plenty of discipline by age two, for hanging from the DVD tray, for dumping out the cat box, for purposefully and repeatedly ignoring my directions in dangerous and life-threatening ways involving electricity, heights, and strange dogs. I had to be more strict with him, somehow. Maybe because he was a boy. Maybe because he was just more nervy, more directly oppositional, more dangerous. I had seen myself draw the line with Benny and I thought I should do it with Sadie but when? So what if she threw a toy, or ordered me to get her book instead of asking… I joked that I was turning her into a tiny tyrant. My husband and I speculated on what my limit would actually be. What would she finally do that would push me into enforcing consequences?


As it turned out, I drew the line over a bare bottom. When she refused to put her diaper on. Last week Monday, she decided the diapers were an inconvenience she was no longer willing to suffer. I offered the potty as an alternative, and that was rejected. I offered pull-ups. Rejected firmly, with the tiny hands oustretched and a firm, “No, Mommy, NO.” Whenever I put the diaper on, she took it off. Well, in this era of peace and plenty, where the fruit snacks hang in clusters in the pantry and the apple juice flows like a river, you still have to put your waste in the right receptacle. We just had the carpet done, for heaven’s sake. So there was the battle. She planted her tent on the hill of the recalcitrant nudity. And I planted my tent on the opposite one. The one where little girls don’t tinkle all over the floor.

The battle raged for 45 minutes. It went like this: Clarify your expectations (pants). Clarify the consequences (time out). Follow up. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Sadie, I put you on the step because you wouldn’t wear your pants. Now it’s time to put them on. NO MOMMY NO. She howled, she wailed, she rent her garments, she put ashes on her head, but she stayed on the spot. She didn’t waver. Forty five minutes and almost 20 repetitions later, she finally gave in. I heard the magical words, “Okay Mommy.” We put the pants on, we had lunch, we played, we went down for a nap. And it was over.

Stupid, to wage such a war with a tiny little angelic button nose child, over wearing pants? No. The topic is irrelevant – what matters are the terms. When she finally tried to raise up her head and really oppose me, really test her strength, she could not win. If she wins the silly battles over pants, she wins the important ones about getting down off that ladder, or stopping on the sidewalk, or whatever. I’m not fooling myself – I know there will be other battles. I’m not done. But it’s good to know that the same resolve that has taken me through six years of Benny is still available for my sweet little candy-colored angel baby girl. She deserves it my A game, and I’m bringing it.

Tired

Multimedia message

Multimedia message

Ride

"None available"

Done!

Sunday school

Karate Fun Friday

We planned a party for the kids at Benny's karate school... and it took place last night. Another mom, Lee, helped organize and arrange it, and Ahno also prepped some of the stuff and came to help with the actual party. It was last night. We lived. Lived to fight another day. It actually went GREAT. I was very thankful Ahno was there -- she made everything go very smoothly, and the kids just instantly listened to her whenever she opened her mouth. Lee was fantastic with her end of it -- her activities were wonderful. All the children had fun, no one cried, no one got hurt. The biggest surprise for me was that the sushi demonstration was enormously engaging for the children, and most of them actually tried the sushi, and some even tried their hand at making it. Amazing.



Here are some of the kids in their team headbands. Aren't they cute?!



Lee teaches at the university here, and she invited some of her Korean students to come and help. They were fantastic -- with the sushi demo and also this activity where they showed the kids how to do their names in Korean.



Here they are playing the card game. It went very well -- they understood it and played it enthusiastically. The cards around their necks are the Korean phrase cards I made them.



The end of the night was a puzzle tournament... we only got halfway through before the parents started to arrive and pick the kids up. So we didn't make it through the whole program.

A success.

New Post on Little Blue School

On my official homeschooling blog at the local paper, I posted a post about our experiences when Benny played his violin at the Stockley Gardens Arts Festival today. Yes, you can see pictures below that I posted from my phone. But you know you want to go here to read it, too. Here it is.

Going Boating

Solo

Sadie

More

Stockley Gardens

Gymnastics

Last One

ANTM

Here we are at minute 48 on the TIVO-d season finale. Now that Jade is gone, I don't care who wins. I just love Danielle and Joanie. They have been my favorites throughout. They both looked totally retarded and dear in the fashion show. Both of them have hideous teeth and neither can speak. I wish they could both win. There was not one other girl in this season worth a crap. Now that they're all shed away, that is obvious.

Dan and I are still reeling from the shock and joy of Jade being gone. Dan was accusing me of loving Jade, as he always does, and in reality we both violently loathe Jade. Dan said, tonight, that I was online trying to get Jade memorabilia, and Jade checks. Hehehe. As she went snapping out the door, down the hall, etc. whatever, we were so satisfied in seeing the ass end of her.

Danielle, I think, should win. She may be the prettiest girl they've ever had on the show. Prettier than Tyra. Tyra looks like a lunatic in that outfit.

Now I'm watching an ad for a movie called "Little Man" which is revolting.

Little Blue School: First Post is UP!

My first post in my new "official" homeschooling blog for the local paper is online. I would really appreciate if if you, personally, you, would go and register for the newspaper web site, and leave a comment now and then when I announce a new post is live. That would really be spectacular -- thank you from the bottom of my pulsing, salmon-flavored, coffee-stained, lint-ridden heart!

The art museum is the topic of the post for today.

Sadie Grace

Sadie: Oh, look! A baby spaghettio! Oooohhhh, he so nice. Oooohhhh, he so yummy!

First "Time Out

Plaster guy

School

Tooth

Here's my COMPLETELY DISGUSTING actual tooth (top pictures) along with my COMPLETELY CHARMING new gold tooth (bottom pictures). Whee -- I have a gold tooth! WHEE.

Tooth artist

Here's my dentist, looking haggard and wan after completing work on my fabulous gold tooth. I don't know how I got so lucky as to get a gold tooth, but I GOT ONE. HAHAHAHA!!! Here's a man who will be glad to see the end of me. I'm just too horrifying as a patient.

Violin

Carpet booties

Many Things

1. Today at 8 am our puppy Leroy went in to have his equipment dismantled. Benny has been very inquisitive as to exactly what is going on, and I refuse to tell him.

We keep having conversations like this:

Benny: Are they taking something out of him Mom?
Me: Yes.
Benny: Something he ate?
(He saw on The Dog Whisperer how some dog ate something and had to have it removed with an operation)
Me: No.
Benny: Something that's making him sick?
Me: No.
Benny: Well is he sick?
Me: Well he's going to be sick for a few days.
Benny: Why?
Me: I'm sorry, I don't want to bring this topic out into the light and dandle it on our knees. Go play with your magnets, child.

2. The man came and cleaned the carpet. Which means we can't go in the living room. The carpet is now SPARKLING AND LOVELY! All signs of puppies and children are gone. Hooray! Dan is ecstatic. He almost went so far as to have the suede chaise lounge cleaned but he isn't that much of an optimist. Not even standing in the glow of a freshly laundered carpet.

3. The man came and examined the strange nail holes that emerged in our perfectly painted den when the siding guys were hammering on the outside. Someone who plasters things is going to come tomorrow and fix it. Looks like it will have to be repainted. GREAT.

4. For mother's day I got a giant, heated, thumping machine that I can lie on and have it massage my back in the evening. It's GREAT and it doesn't even look much like a vibrator. Maybe a vibrator for a yeti. I also got a maid service! HOORAY! Not regular, but Dan will suffer them to come into the house on ONE OCCASION and clean it thoroughly, which is fine. He can't abide the thought of strangers touching our things -- I say this with complete lack of understanding or empathy, but apparently it is a real feeling that he does actually have. Whatever. They're coming AT LEAST ONCE!

5. Dan stayed home from work today because of the various exciting things going on and now we're sitting at our computers with Benny at his computer in the middle, trying to freak him out with spooky whistling. I miss when Dan worked from home.

Story

FULL TEXT:

THE EVEL SNAKE!

ONE DAY A MOTHER HAD BIRTH A SNAKE LIKE HER IT WAS CUTE BUT........ EVEL TO MEN. ANATHUAR DAY A MAN CAME. BAM! DOWN THE THROHT. HE'S CLOSED UP THEN BUSTED A FISH. THE END.

Happy Mother's Day

For all my motheriffic friends. You know who you are!

For Mother's Day I would like a whole day alone in the house. That would be a present I would truly remember forever. I would spend the day writing chapter four of my novel, without looking at the clock, or answering the phone or baby monitor, or pausing to enrich anyone's life in any way.

It may be ironic, but more probably it's just evil, that for Mother's Day I'd like my children to leave me alone for a while. I think as penance I have to go spend the rest of the day feeling crushing guilt over my hypothetical escape plans. ;D Or possibly I'll just put the baby to bed for a nap, be thankful that Benny is at Ahno's for the afternoon, and write for an hour while I can.

Children's chapel

Today the Sunday School kids sang in church - it was a delight. I stood there crying and taking pictures like an idiot. In all the pictures I took, the children's noses are all pointed politely at the leader except Benny, who is squirming around like his knees are on fire and also trying to urgently communicate to me that a pane in one of the stained glass windows is missing. It was taken down to be serviced in some way, however stained glass gets serviced, because it was getting bowed. Trust Benny to notice one missing pane among a thousand, because seriously, he will. At least he did not pick his nose. One glorious triumph for civilization.

Church

Coming Up For Air

Dan survived the first day of his scuba testing. I was perhaps irrationally concerned that he would possibly try to see out of his regulator and breathe through his mask. He didn't. He did everything perfectly as he always does and had a great time. We were all a little uncertain (even DAN!) because the water was 55 degrees, which is pretty cold. I stuck my feet in the ocean last weekend and it was no joke. He was told by his uncouth comrades to pee in his wet suit. This would require him to excrete waste, which is of course, not something we would ever expect him to do. So even that desperate route was closed to him. He said, though, that it wasn't that cold -- apparently whatever water gets into your wet suit gets warmed up and then stays there.

Anyway, he is all fine and is going back tomorrow to complete his test. What, scuba diving on Mother's Day? Yes, I am the coolest wife ever.

Poor Barbie

Barbie had her hair all fargled up in a "Brush Your Teeth!" sticker from Crest Toothpaste. After I yanked it out, pulled her hair up in a ponytail, and adjusted her velcro gown, I handed her back to my sweet, precious, adorable two-year-old daughter, who said plaintively, "You suck!"

She probably, definitely, absolutely meant to say something else.

Mr. Bob

Mr. Bob took us out to lunch while he and Ms. Verena were in town for a wedding. Bob and Dan spent some time squirreled away in the office in the afternoon then, while Verena and the kids and I went to the zoo. We love to see Ms. Verena -- she's charming and she speaks Spanis