Survivor Cook Islands Recap Week 3

Survivor Cook Islands Week 3

Last week on Survivor: A bunch of stuff happened that everyone forgot about while witnessing the most insane and horrifying tribal council ever. Remember? Billy declared that he and Candace are secretly in love. So secretly, she doesn’t even know it. Har har. Ozzy is untrustworthy. Yul found the hidden immunity idol. 18 are left. Who will be voted out tonight? OWEE OWEE OWEE OWEEAA OWEEAA… etc.

Back from commercial, and my television is black. I can hear it, but I can’t see it. This is because my husband is in Guatemala. My internet is also out. Soon the roof will fly off and the dog will grow two more heads and eat me. Bad thing happen when he go out of town! BAD THING HAPPEN. After a bit of stock audio footage from Jungle Sounds R Us, the sound goes out too, and now I am watching long moments of black silence. Did I mention I have no internet?

The sound is back with some male voice saying “I don’t think he’s all there. I really in my heart of hearts don’t think he’s all there. And will ever be there. Unless he’s medicated.” Then I get one flash of a map labeled, I think, “Rarotonga.” Then I am watching the phone company commercial with the sound of Survivor behind it. All the phone company nerds are sitting around the table eating fries while Raro discusses having a challenge. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY TIVO??? After I have to watch a tie-in to tonight’s news at eleven while listening to ambient jungle sounds, the video and audio sync up and Yul is being welcomed back from Exile Island. Wait, no, that’s Benny coming down the stairs to tell me he’s having diarrhea. Why? Because Dan is in Guatemala.

WHAT? Before the challenge, we learn that the racist tribes are over.

Cecelia and Parvati are team captains and must pick all-female tribes. They have to pick one person from each race until they are fully integrated. Jessica of the Blue Leggings is first picked. Fave moment: When somebody points to Becky (Asian) and refers to her as “Yellow.” Well, she was wearing a yellow shirt. But I know the producers were twirling their mustaches over that! Ahh, racism! At last! I’m sure they’ll have to switch back to race-based tribes later in the game, so… who really cares about this? Trying to force them to be loyal to their own race by making them tribemates too is a little cheap. But ultimately, I think all this tribal switcherino is to avoid the late-game boringness of Pagonging. We’ll see if it works. All the girls get picked. Candace and Stephannie are last picked.

Jonathan and Brad are team captains. JP is first picked. Cao Boi gets picked last. No funny racial slurs – too bad. One of the girls teams get matched up with one of the boy teams. The other teams get matched. Now we have Raro and Aitu only. All the items won so far will be pooled, or something. Head on out. After all that hideous complication, the challenge is to put on their new buffs. Did I just spend 10 minutes of my life watching what could have been handled off camera by names in a hat? Evs.

During the commercial, I am left to wonder who is not all there? Unless medicated? WHO? And I make a plan to watch SHARK tonight. Or else my Netflixed “Tristan and Isolde” which I can only watch when Dan is in another country. I wish I could get online and see who got kicked off the Amazing Race.

Back! At Raro, Nate says it’s like he has been taken out of the ghetto and put in Bel Air. The tribe sits down to have a discussion about the racist tribes. Stephannie asks, “How does everyone feel about how the tribes were divided at the beginning?” Three people say, “It was weird.” One person says something about how it calls attention to racism, and that’s a good thing. What is this, 1986? The Aitu tribe is discussing Candace’s serious, deep, meaningful love affair with Billy, which she totally denies, beeyotch that she is. You know you mouthed the words I love you to him, Candace! You know you mouthed the words I love you!

Parvati takes some time to dilvulge how much she likes flirting with all the big buff guys on her tribe. She gets her flirt on with Adam by calling herself a baby monkey. Then she describes herself as working Nate into her web, to trap him and suck his blood. The way she does this is by pointing out that his pants are falling down. This girl has too much gum showing when she smiles. Stop showing all those gums, Flirtmeister General.

Becky expands her Korean alliance from Yul to include Jonathan and Candace. Jonathan promises to bring Flicka (Jessica of the blue leggings) along. Flicka doesn’t feel that comfortable because she never liked her original tribe and doesn’t like Candace and Jonathan specifically. Yul tells Becky about his hidden immunity idol, because they trust each other so much, being Koreans and all. They absolutely totally trust each other completely. The fact that we’re being shown this means that one of them will be voted out soon or will violate the alliance, because all the real, actual, trustworthy alliances (like Tina/Colby for example) are kept a secret from us until the very end. Becky, I have to say, comes on as a serious playa in this game during this segment. She has this kind of robotic, maniacal intensity that I kind of love.

But only Quizno’s has prime rib.

We’re back, and that’s NOT just stock footage of an octopus. Nate has speared an OCTOPUS!!! The octopus tries very hard to eat one of the survivors, but they eat it instead after it turns completely white. Parvati skanks it up with Nate by winking, giggling, writhing up and down a pole while she says, “That’s a lot of meat. That’s good. You need it. You could probably eat that whole octopus yourself!” Hey! BIG BOY! Eat that octopus! Parvati you’re a fool. America loathes you.

Immunity challenge time. It’s a recycling of the challenge where the two teams have to chase each other around a rectangle in the water, and whoever catches the other team wins. They have to carry 15 pounds of rocks and if they quit, they have to pile their 15 pounds on somebody else. I don’t mind them recycling this one – I thought it was a good one the first time. This time it’s not so good. The girls all drop out and give their weight to the guys. JP, Nate, Brad, and Adam have the whitest names and the best endurance. Raro wins pretty quickly. That was pretty much Cao Boi’s and Jonathan’s fault. I start to worry about Cao Boi. He needs to get rid of his own bad wind, and fast.

A twist! The winning tribe can send one of the losers to Exile Island, which makes that person exempt from being voted off at tribal council tonight. Awesome! That is not a twist! I realize now, after watching a season of totally twistless Big Brother episodes, that the new thing must be to call things twists that really aren’t, by definition, at all like twists. Just calling it a twist makes it a twist, and probably no one’s watching anyway, so hey? Raro sends Candace to Exile Island, which confuses me. I guess because she’s super weak? I would have sent Cao Boi.

This totally messes up the plans of team Candace/Jonathan/Yul/Becky because they now have fewer votes to play with. Cao Boi and Ozzy decide they will not write each other’s names down. They will vote for Becky. They pull Ceceila, Rebecca, and Flicka into the plan. But wait! Flicka already said she’d vote with the Korean alliance? What gives?

Dear Flicka,
You may feel very important right now because both sides of the tribe want your vote. You may feel inclined to interview that you are in charge, that you have all the power, that it’s all up to you, and you may find yourself shrugging modestly and saying that you feel strange being in such an amazingly powerful, awesome position. You may even feel like telling each alliance that you have an important decision to make and you haven’t decided which way you’ll vote yet. Please, do that. Discuss your very serious important powerful dilemma with everyone. Take your place in history with Christie the deaf girl, Daisy the shepherdess, and many others who have been in exactly this position and have been voted out that very night. Remember, Flicka: Talk a lot. Relish your power! Loudly!
Love,
LYDIA

During the next segment, Flicka takes my advice and blabs her mouth all over the place. Yul and Jonathan try hard to save Becky and attempt to convince Cao Boi and Flicka to vote out Cecelia. Flicka insists on being vacuous and picking her teeth, then runs back to Cao Boi to discuss it. Then Flicka interviews that she is really caught up in the drama and her position and doesn’t know what to do. If there is any fairness or consistency in this game, she will get voted out tonight, but it seems like it will be Becky or Cecelia.

Tribal council: Yul sounds intelligent and mild-mannered. Jonathan sounds like, I can finally place it now, Ray Romano. Jessica sounds like a freak. Ozzy sounds paranoid and confused. Cecelia, Becky, Cecelia, Becky, Cecelia, Becky, Cecelia, and the third person voted out of Survivor Cook Islands is Cecelia. Bring me your torch. YES! Go Korean Alliance! I withhold all facial expression in your honor. Becky is my new favorite, and I want her to quietly, coldly, viciously win.

Next week on Survivor: Parvati doesn’t like how the boys are letting the girls do all the work. And Cao Boi apparently shimmies up a tree to bring down a bird nest. Jonathan, cradling the little chick that was inside, calls Cao Boi a wild card, who cannot be trusted. What’s with all the interesting wildlife capture on this Survivor? Chickens, octopi, little baby birds – next it’ll be the Professor and Mary Ann!


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Sadie's Skirt

I mentioned reading Jill's essay about her daughter Grace going off to college. After I read that, and had my little weepy night of saddy sadness, I went to the fabric shelves and got out this box that Jill sent me years ago when I was making buckets of jackets. She sent me various pieces of fabric, and orphan blocks, and stuff. I've used them for lots of things -- a bunch of drunkard's path blocks went into a pillow for a neighbor going through chemo, for example. Anyway, I pulled out some blocks and made this skirt for Sadie -- I am so completely charmed by it (and her) that I have to share way too many pictures, and there are more on my Flickr.

Jill when you're a completely ecstatic grandma I'll send you this skirt. But I'm afraid Sadie has to wear it every single day between now and then. Hehehe.















I'm watching Bigfootville on the Travel Channel. I miss Dan!

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Leroy

Zurg

Skirt

Park

Fountain

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Chess

Paintin.g

Violin

So Much To Blog...

So little time.

We are all set to go to Disney World in October! Dan is finalizing the arrangements. Thanks to Mr. Bob, we are going to get a great condo and here it is.

The kids are currently playing with shocking enthusiasm with a large papier mache gold reindeer and a small red version of same. No accounting.

Also no Amazing Race recap this week because TIVO got messed up and I didn't catch the last 15 minutes. Some sporting event or other buggered up the schedule.

Today is Sadie's Prezuki class -- I made all the kids in her class little beanbags with violin fabric, so they can practice holding them on their violin shoulders.

Check out this awesome sidewalk artist. Go to this page and scroll down to the 3D illusions -- incredible!!! I just love the globe, and the sunken pond one.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip was VERY FUNNY last night. We had a lot of good laughs. I think Chandler is doing a good job fitting into the Aaron Sorkin mold, but I keep expecting Josh to act more like Josh, and instead Chandler is acting more like Josh used to act. Confusing. But I like it. We also tried to watch Heroes. It is pretty sanctimonious and self-congratulatory but based on last night we're going to give it another week. I like the Japanese guy and the girls -- do not like any of the angsty American men at this point. I am intrigued by the whole "I pick up a comic book on the street and it's about my own experience" thing. That is cool.

Yesterday I gave Sadie's high chair and pack-and-play away to a friend whose daughter is pregnant. It was... a little sad!!! And then I came home to read an essay by my friend Jill, about her kids going away to college and the military and her house being empty. I cried like... a disproportionate amount, and then kept crying all evening. I kind of want that high chair back now!!! MAYBE SHE WOULD AGREE TO SIT IN IT FOR ANOTHER COUPLE MONTHS??? *weep*

Web

Leroy

Backpack

Food

Today I put three thick pork chops, a layer of quartered potatoes and a layer of carrots in the crock pot. Then a handful of these herbs that Veronica brought me back from France. I think they are mostly sage, from the smell.

BOY THE HOUSE SMELLED GREAT ALL AFTERNOON!!! When we got back from caching dinner was ready and the pork was fantastic. The potatoes needed some further embellishment and I prolly should have salted everything but it was a success.

Next I'm going to try DebR's recipes she so kindly sent me.

Cuthbert

Caching

Practicing

Conversation

Me, standing in kitchen, end of day, tired, tumultuously crabby: Do you want coffee?
Him: Uh, sure.
Me: Sure or yes?
Him: What is your deal with sure or yes? They are both affirmative answers. Yes, sure, what does it matter?
Me: Well I will tell you why it matters. Because "sure" is like yeah, okay, I will drink your coffee, if it will make you happy, because that is how I suffer for you, I suffer by struggling through your beverages that you continually bring me, your coffee, your tea, your little plaintive offerings, because I don't want to hurt you by saying no, but secretly, I just want you to leave me alone, to go away, to take all your cups and saucers with you, and let me have some peace. That's what SURE means. Whereas "yes" means yes, yes, I want coffee. So when I'm standing here, I want to know, do you want me to make coffee, because you want to drink it? Or not? Because I would be just as happy, at this point in the evening, to warm up some of this morning's pot in the microwave, and drink it all by myself.
Him: *studied silence*

Ten minutes later:
Me: Do you want coconut crap in your coffee?
Him: YES! YES! YES! OH YES I DO! YES!

Horse

Lesson

The Kids' Stats and Project Runway

From the pediatrician:

Benny is in the 90th percentile for height, the 50th for weight.
Sadie is in the 50th percentile for height, the 10th for weight.

Tall children, he said. That's about all he said. They are fine. Sadie got shots and was extremely brave, tiny little peanut that she is.

If you want to see the collections from the final four of Project Runway, as shown at Olympus Fashion Week in NYC, go here and search "Project Runway Uli" and then "Project Runway Jeffrey" and then "Project Runway Michael Knight" and then "Project Runway Laura" and you'll see them! Peek here!

Outside

Warehouse

Oven

Tour

Hats

Rowena's

Survivor Cook Islands Recap Week 2

Survivor Cook Islands Week 2

Do we have extra “last week on Survivor” because off the profusion of teams and recycling of old twists and the sheer overwhelming number of survivors in the coming on? Why are the names on their flags longer than the names on the credits? Is it Raro or Rarotonga? Is Captain Cook ever going to become relevant? Should I have avoided the broccoli at dinner?

Dan tells me that there are two spectacular events to watch for in this episode. Poor man had to watch it TIVO-ing while I was putting the kids to bed. I am restless with anticipation over these two exciting events!!!

HIKI: Hiki cannot get the flint to work, and does not have fire, and therefore does not have water after four days. It’s so weird because Sekou *said* that if they voted him out they would have no fire. It’s the curse of Sekou! Sundra notes that they are feeling extra pressure because they are the African American tribe. I don’t really want to pay this much attention to the show, but I’m guessing that all the tribes will say this about their respective races at some point. Eventually Rebecca starts the fire. Woops – no curse.

AITU: The tribe catches an amazing amount of fish and clams and crabs. J.P. says that Latinos are good workers. Cristina reveals that she is a police officer who almost lost her arm after getting shot. Ozzy impresses me by devising a chicken trap out of a net. Cristina gives him some input on its construction, but because she’s a cop, she doesn’t have anything useful to say. Ozzy catches a chicken (awesome!!!) and they eat it. Is he the first person to successfully catch and eat a bird on Survivor? The last time a tribe ate this well was when that crazy knifey guy caught a wild pig. Remember that?

PUKA: Wow, I was impressed with Ozzy’s trap, but Yul caught two chickens at once with a box and a stick. Yul and Becky are forming a Korean alliance. Because they’re Korean. The Korean word for older brother is “boring.”

RARO: Jonathan comes back from Exile Island without finding the idol. On his return, he growls that the kids haven’t worked on the shelter at all, so he tries to kick them into action. They need a shelter with a floor. His girl Jessica of the blue leggings (???) gets on board, but Adam is enraged by the idea of a raised floor. He does not want to waste energy on something that doesn’t “look good.” He will not work on the raised floor. He is starving, dehydrated, and he has sand in his ass. Candace counsels her butt-chin lovahboy to be careful not to piss anyone off with his no-raised-floor agenda. Jonathan and Jessica stomp off to create the raised floor that their principles demand.


AITU: Billy is conserving his energy. He needs strength to eat coconut and fish caught by others. Ozzy is irritated b having to order Billy around. Billy is irritated by anything that involves movement. The girls have a sit-down with Billy where they encourage him to feel included.

PUKA: Cao Boi works his headache magic on Becky and she comes away feeling better and with a red stripe between her eyes. Soon everyone in the tribe will bear the terrible forehead mark. Later that night, in night vision, Cao Boi is making Asian jokes and his teammates urge him to quit it. They postulate, in dull monotones, that racist jokes just confirm people’s stereotypes. Cao Boi is like, Can I just tell one more joke? And the rest of his humorless team is like, No. So my awful husband has to google, “What do you call a Vietnamese man with three dogs?” I can’t tell you the answer because Yul and Becky and Jenny and whatever that other humorless troll is called will come to my house and bore me into a coma by explaining how racism is bad. Tomorrow I’m drawing a red line on my forehead with a washable marker. Dare me not to. Cao Boi is so COOL!

AITU: Ozzy, Cecelia, Ozzy, Cristina, Ozzy, and J.P. are planning to throw the immunity challenge so they can get rid of Billy. Meanwhile the camera shows a rat eating Ozzy’s underpants while Cristina interviews that she can’t trust Ozzy anymore. Stock footage foreshadowing! Next they’ll show a spider eating a fly. Or an eel coming out of a rock – ZAM!


Everyone gets treemail that says they’re going to have a challenge where everyone is tied together. Ozzy is still planning to throw it.

Dear Ozzy, In the game of Survivor, anyone that your tribe wants to vote out really bad should be kept in the game as long as possible, because as long as they want to vote him out more than you, you’re safe. Regards, Lydia.

At the challenge, they find out they’re playing for immunity, and also tarps for the first place team. AITU might as well hang a flag that says “We are throwing the challenge” because when they choose who to sit out, they do NOT pick Billy, even though he is standing there saying, literally, “I am terrible at these things, we should sit me out.” They sit out J.P. Jessica is wearing her completely inexplicable blue leggings. Everyone is tied together.

Jeff reads them a story about Captain Cook. Then they have to go through some kind of obstacle course involving ropes and a pond and a scaffolding thingy collecting seven plaques. AITU takes up a whole lot of time at the beginning studying a book about Captain Cook. It’s not like they are throwing the challenge or anything, they’re just being really super sure about all the details of Jeff’s story so they can totally win.

PUTA and RARO are both trying to win. They have to arrange their plaques to answer questions about the story Jeff told. They are extremely close to their mats, and Jeff chooses PUTA to win the tarps. Later, he clarifies it was a tie and they will both get tarps. Whatever. The controversy is just leaving me right at the back of my seat, with my head lolling on my shoulder, drool puddling on my arm. HIKI comes in third. AITU goes to take a shower real quick before strolling in last. They send Yul to Exile Island and then, with the tribes standing next to each other, Candace bumps Billy on the elbow and says, “I feel really bad for you guys.” Billy turns his long fat face and says sadly to the girls of RARO, “I’m next.” They say to him, patronizingly, “Awww, well we love you.” And he says, hungrily, “I love you too.” Then gets the creepiest smarmiest hoodiest smirk on his face. Keep this in mind. There will be a quiz later.

Ozzy reveals that AITU threw the challenge. Cristina feels yucky about it, and thinks it means that Ozzy is very conniving. Billy hopes he can find some crack to go through, to try and pull it out.

Yul, on Exile Island, finds the immunity idol. The clues are actually pretty cool this time, I think. He’s got a huge strategic advantage now, and he should be completely ecstatic, but he has no facial expression to offer us. Maybe next time. Come to think of it, last season, when Terry found the idol, he was kinda quiet about it too. Maybe the hidden immunity idol turns you into a smug robot.

Billy figures out that J.P. and Ozzy threw the challenge, and he tells Cristina that if he goes, she’s next. Cristina talks to Cecelia. Ozzy is worried now. He says something about how if they vote him out they’ll be sorry because they’ll be really hurting without him. Well, that line of reasoning worked well for Sekou, didn’t it? Will everyone vote for Billy? Or will Ozzy get a big surprise?

Surprising Tribal Council of Maximum Surprise:

1. Jeff pries it out of them: They threw the challenge.
2. Billy says they are stupid. J.P. says he won’t pull anyone’s weight.
3. Billy and J.P. get in a fight and shout at each other.
4. Billy says these words: I’m playing the game. That’s what I came here to do. My prize wasn’t even the million dollars. My prize was that I fell in love in this game. Love at first sight. Her name is Candace.

Candace from Raro? Candace who is sleeping with Adam? Billy claims that he and Candace are in love and to prove it, they mouthed the words, “I love you” to each other after the last challenge. He has *got* to be kidding but he won’t admit it. He is totally super-serious, down to his skull bandana. Billy reminds me of this guy I used to know in college called Maurice. They have the same chin and the same wobbly head. Everyone is completely shocked, including Jeff, who actually says that he has never been this shocked in his entire life by anything ever. I have to admit I am pretty shocked too.

Lucky Candace – Billy gets voted out. In his goodbye speech, he starts one sentence with “My biggest regret is…” and the next sentence is “I don’t regret anything.” Thank you. You suck. Get off the show.

Next week on Survivor, Parvati gets her flirt on, J.P. gets eaten by an octopus, and Cao Boi won’t stop talking.

Time for the season premier of The Office! JIM AND PAM! JIM AND PAM! JIM AND PAM!!!!

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Bt

Broad Bay

Iraq

If you're like me, you spend a lot of time earnestly ignoring whatever is going on outside the beautiful boundary of your own little family. I used to be very seriously political, and now I tend my garden, Candide, in this best of all possible worlds. However, in light of recent events that have forced themselves into my consciousness, I decided to read around the news a little bit and following this and that link, I came upon a couple of news stories that shocked me:

Children Fighting Soldiers Kids are even throwing homemade bombs at American soldiers -- what are they supposed to do about that? There are just so many things wrong with it, I don't even know how to get my brain around it. I know this happened in Vietnam too, but what can they do? The article points out that if an American even pointed a gun at any child or group of children, the image would be on fliers around the world.

Murder in Baghdad Written by a reporter who is a native of Baghdad, about his upper middle class neighborhood where now people get shot in the street and people are too afraid to even go and help the dying person. So they just lie there.

I have this awful, terrible feeling that we're going to war with Iran, and I'm sure some people who have been paying attention more than I have will say, "DUH, YA THINK?" It scares me. What if the jihadists really do take over the world?

The other thing is, I'm unable to find anyplace on the internet where intelligent, rational discussion is taking place, because everything is so partisan and ugly. "Libs" are tree-hugging bedwetters and "Neocons" are gun-toting wife-beaters, and there's no place (that I've found) where regular Americans are just talking about current events without this violent political bias. The republicans won't allow any criticism of the president, and the democrats only want to talk about how screwed we are, without accepting any culpability.

In my garden, Sadie has learned to operate the computer mouse and is avidly playing "Reader Rabbit's Playtime for Baby and Toddler" -- a game which occupied her brother for many a happy hour in his day. And Benny has a loose tooth. All of his holes are now filled in, and the giant new teeth are pushing the little ones next to them out of the way.

Today we're going with the Porterfields on a bike ride in First Landing State Park and then we're going to swim in Broad Bay, if it's warm enough. I'm trusting the world doesn't end before we get back.

Waiting

Homeschool PE

Doctor's fish

Wood Blocks

Amazing Race Recap Week 1

Episode 1:

TEAM ONE-LEG: She has one leg. He built her prosthesis. It was love in the precious bodily hydraulic fluids. They just started dating.

TEAM MUSLIM: They’re Muslims from Cleveland and they will pray constantly, dammit. If you stop them from praying, they will flip the hem of their long gowns around at you. In a haughty manner.

TEAM CONSIDERING: They want to see how they do under pressure before they get engaged or not. She needs to learn not to control him. He needs to learn not to let his hair do that freaky kitten thing. I’m betting this will be the fighting couple. He looks like a real jerkimer.

TEAM PAGEANT: Miss California and Miss New York. They are both blonde.

TEAM COALMINER: Some married teams get the caption “Married.” These two get the caption “Coalminer and Wife.” That pisses me off, for some reason. They are married with kids for 9 years. They have accents.

TEAM BROTHERS: Bodybuilders and Asians. Brainiacs.

TEAM LESBIAN: A lesbian and her Dad. He’s weeping on TV because she’s gay, but they’re really trying to work on their relationship.

TEAM INDIAN: These people get the caption “Married” and not the caption “Indians.” Because it’s about the relationships, not about the categories. Except for the coal miner. With him it’s about categories. These two want to see the world and have adventures before they start having kids. This is a very good idea.

TEAM CHEERLEADERS: Cheerleaders.

TEAM MODELS: Models and drug addicts, that is. They met in recovery and their friendship blossomed. The models both have kitten heads too.

TEAM MOMS: They are single moms and black. I like them.

TEAM GAY: They are boyfriends and they look eerily similar.

GO! Phil starts the race, after promises surprises we never expected. The teams are released to their Mercedes SUVs. But first they all stop and read the clue while they pick up their bags. They are going to Beijing, China. Why don’t they ever just read the clue *on the way*? That’s what normal people would do. The Muslims take an early lead while but the Lesbian, the Coalminer, and the Pageant Girls have trouble with their gears. The Coalminer actually says, “I ain’t used to these moving vehicles.” Team Considering is already fighting because Mr. Considering is a jackass. Team One-Leg contemplates how her one leg is going to be seen by the other teams, and I realize that Mr. One-Leg is gay. They get to the airport first. Mrs. Coalminer asserts that their team will be 50/50 even though at home the man makes the decisions. The Muslims are praying in the car.

The major drama with this first segment is that the THRIFTY (wow!) RENTAL CAR RETURN (yoicks!!!) is totally like OFF SITE from the rental car return place and it totally throws like EVERYONE for a big loop and it’s extremely dramatic to the point that one person even says, “It couldn’t get worse.” Wow, with incredible obstacles like this to overcome, I don’t know how these teams are going to make it from the bathroom to the bed. Teams, take a note, I am not being entertained by this. It’s 20 minutes into the show and we’re not even all in the airport. All over America, I can hear the sound of people counting down to Gray’s Anatomy or Desperate Housewives or whatever comes on at 9:00. Meanwhile, the Muslims won’t shake hands with the cheerleaders because they’re women, and the Brainiac Brothers bring *squirt guns* into the airport to play a fun game of immediate confiscation. So, okay, that was a little entertaining.

They have to go to a restaurant called Gold House and everyone does. They have to eat FISH EYES and everyone does. Apparently, they are not that bad. The beauty queens have some issue with finding it but who cares?

Then they have to go to the Forbidden Palace, find the Meridian Gate, and grab a tile with a time on it. 7:00, 7:15, and 7:30. Team One-Leg gets there first, and Mr. One-Leg gives his partner a totally gay kiss and says, “Good job, kid!” Everyone else gets there. Mr. Indian says something very endearing about his wife and they become my favorite team.

The last team to arrive gets the tile that says, “Last Team.” I wonder what will happen to the last team to arrive at this seemingly non-pit-stop, in this race that is going to be full of totally unexpected surprises???? They will get eliminated. And they are the Muslims. Everyone cries. Especially the producers who really want to do something for world peace by including Muslims in their reality shows. Where’s the Arab team on the new Survivor, CBS? I’m totally offended. When I say everyone cries I mean they literally DO CRY. As in weep.

Morning dawns and the prosthetic leg is leaking fluid. Mr. One-Leg says, “This is one of the things I can’t fix.” Kinda like the fact that you’re gay and this small blonde person with one leg is obviously in love with you. Another tough problem. Everyone jumps into motorcycles with side cars. Cool!!! I want one!!! Team Coalminer is wearing matching t-shirts that say, “Friends in Low Places.”

Detour!! Labor or Leisure?

Labor: Pave a 45 foot square with bricks in a specific pattern. Leisure: Learn a Tai Chi (I think) routine involving a paddle and a ball and balancing it. Everyone chooses the bricks except Team Gay and Team Cheer. The trick to the brick thing is that you have to put big bricks around the outside first, before starting with the smaller bricks. This buggers almost everyone. People shout at each other. The models figure it out and everyone copies off them. Conflict boils up between Team One-Leg and Team Moms. Hard to tell why. Team Pageant is falling for Team Models. I’m not entirely sure, but I think Team One-Leg faked some kind of medical emergency to steal a cab from somebody. If so, I gain immediate fondness and respect for them. Here I thought they were just all pious and like “We can totally do it with positive thinking!” I really hope they’re big cheaters!!! Too good.

Meanwhile the sweet, nice, married people are lost on the motorbikes and get to the bricks very late. Team Considering is exploding over their inability to figure out the big brick border situation. Team Gay and Team Cheer get to the dancing lesson and start learning the moves.

The pit stop is at the Great Wall of China, but you have to climb up it to get there. Team One-Leg cannot find the place to climb, and he ends up dragging her all over the place before they find it. When they find it, she has an awful time, because she basically has to climb up a rope, with just little loops in the rope to help her. Okay, this girl sounds very fruity, but she is all badass for getting up that wall. Her gay boyfriend talks her up, and I find myself thinking, hey, if it works for them. Team Model/Addict gets to the pit stop first and wins $20,000. Lesbian and Dad get up amid tears – they never thought they’d be hanging out and bonding like this. Team One-Leg gets there third. Then Team Pageant.

Mr. Considering tells their driver to go to the Great Wall, and Ms. Considering feels it necessary to specify, the Great Wall of CHINA. China. Not the Great Wall of Boise or anything.

Team Mom, Team Gay, and Team Coalminer have problems on the wall and some of the more athletic teams pass them. However, they all get there. Then the nicest team in the race, the married Indian couple, gets eliminated. Which totally sucks. Now the people who are hollering “SHUT UP!” at each other can go on, and the people who are loving and kind to each other can go home. Evs!!!

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Foamalin

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First Violin

The Cat Mystery

We are home. Home from Connecticut. All safe, all well. As usual, I felt a surge of love for my home when I got in the door. Dan says it's because all my things are here. Perhaps. But I do love this house.

We knew, opening the door, that we would be faced with the answer to one question:

WHERE was the cat hiding?

When we left home, we had planned to take the cat to the kennel, with the dog, to be lovingly cared for, and whatnot. However, Benny was inspired to spray him all over, basically dip him, holding him from his big toe, in flea spray which he got from under the kitchen cabinet. Yes, I know, our fault, child proofing, and it's all true, but wouldn't you expect the TWO year old to get into the poison while I'm busy packing? That's what I would expect.

Anyway, I was alerted to the situation by the cat going screaming past me on his way under Sadie's bed, and Benny following close on his heels, saying patronizingly, "Don't worry, Hoity, you'll dry soon!"

Uh.

Okay, so, packing, loading the car, now I'm looking for the cat to get him in his carrier and take him to the kennel. He is nowhere. He is hiding, or poisoned and mute, or already dead, and I cannot find him AT ALL. After I see that he's not in Sadie's closet, I put some things in there that I want to be sure the cat doesn't sleep on, and I close it. I leave every other door in the house open, the bathrooms, the closets, etc. We put out buckets of food and water and we leave. And come back. And I go through the house carefully first because surely the sight of the cat rigid and dead, face locked in a rictus of poisoned horror, will ruin the children's dinner. But he's NOT DEAD! He is, in fact, meowing like his tail is on fire. And I discover where he was hiding. Do you know? Have you guessed?

The cat is... in Sadie's closet. Locked into the one place in the house that was locked. And he has, basically, eradicated the entire closet with pee and poop, which is INEXPLICABLE since he was without food or water for four days.

So, what is in that closet?

All the completely gorgeous hand-me-downs from Zoe and Maisy, too big to be worn yet but waiting to be worn. Everything I've ever made for both of the children, either outgrown and saved for posterity, or too big to be worn yet. All of Sadie's current clothes that hang up. All of the precious baby toys that I've kept from when they were babies. Two of my spare bags. Quilts. Beautiful down blankets that we can't use because I'm allergic to down, but still.

Basically everything that I care about in life is there. Okay that is a lie. But when I weigh this poop/pee/closet situation against the fact that he might have died in there, I find myself thinking, I NEVER LIKED THIS CAT ANYWAY. Okay, that is a lie. I liked him before I had kids. Ever since then, not so much.

So, what is the solution? I hauled a giant box of things out to the trash. I put a big load of laundry in with the hope it can be saved. The good news is that ALL of the hand-me-downs in waiting were encased in plastic and are fine. The bad news is that three dresses that had been made by me and were WAITING TO BE WORN were actually clawed down from their hangers and peed on. And the walls were peed on. Leaving awful stains.

The closet is mostly empty and soaking in Clorox. The cat is rehydrated, the jackass. I know it makes me evil, and I *AM SORRY* that he had to spend four days in a closet. However... really... welcome home. Oy.

Time to watch STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP.

Let's make a pact: Even if we don't like it, we don't admit it. For like four weeks. I'm asking for a little leeway for this show. If we hate it, we don't discuss it. We wait.

?

In progress

New Jersey

Ferry

Map

Fishers Island

Bob's

Garp House

Ferry

Captured from Hitler

Ferry

Waiting for ferry

Sea Lions

Beluga

Mystic

Checking out

Tripping

We are in New London, Connecticut, having journeyed into the frozen North for the wedding of Taylor, a salesman who works for Dan at Brooks Systems. Actually it's the pretty warm and inviting North at the moment, rendering my packing kinda problematic -- I was all about the corduroy. Turns out it's like 80. But no humidity. Today was actually a beautiful day.

The wedding was fine. Benny and Sadie were the only people there under the age of 20 -- there weren't even flower girls and ring bearers or anything. The reason I'm here right now and Dan is at the "cocktail hour" is