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On the Lot: My Disparaging Thoughts: Movie Reviews

Dance Man by Adam Stein: Funny. We are being driven insane trying to figure out who that actor is, the guy that was the interpretive dancer. WHAT is that guy's name? We have seen him in movies or something. I keep thinking he was the republican that tried to date Donna on The West Wing. But possibly not. WHO IS HE.

Deliver Me by Carolina Zorilla De San Martin: Not funny. I don't get it. Wow, we use cell phones a lot and drugs are good, but then the cell phones are bad again because they interrupt the drugs? What about the baby? I didn't understand why the judges frothed with love over this.

Spaced Out by Andrew Hunt: Puking aliens not funny. Dan liked this one. I loathe this guy, and I loathed his pitch last week and I think he's way overrated. He looks like a big jerkimer. Ookay, it was a little tiny bit funny, but just at the very point that the alien actually first puked. All subsequent puking was not funny.

Wack Alley Cab by Kenny Luby: Kenny Luby needs flushed down the toilet. This was self-indulgent twaddle.

Bus #1 by Hilary Graham: I'm all about "Go moms!" but this was garbage. It reminded me of one of those awkward commercials they make on "The Apprentice" and was waiting for someone to try and sell me a Glade Plug-in.

The Big Bad Heist by Marty Martin: You made a trailer instead of a comedy short! Bad Marty! No cookie!

Lucky Penny by Will Bigham: Will is going for the "I'm just a great big dad with a great happy spirit!" vote. Good luck with that. I'm not voting for Mr. Happy Feelgood Milquetoast.

…To Screw In A Light Bulb by Jessica Brillhart: Someone's been to film school, hasn't someone!? I thought the judges were too rough on this girl, though. I thought it was very funny how the guy kept trying to eat his cereal. That was a nice touch.

Soft by Mateen Kemet: I forgot all about this one. It was funny though.

Blind Date by Claudia La Bianca: Love Claudia, love Italy, love the look of this, love the olive-induced bathroom acrobatics. She is a rock star.

Getta Rhoom by Jason Epperson: Totally unfair how harsh the judges were on this poor dude. They said he was making evil fun of "mentally challenged" people and that it was "politically incorrect" and "offensive." Offensive? REALLY??? Do they know there was a movie made called "DUMB AND DUMBER"? Have they watched The Office? Stupid people are fair game, twits. The stupider the funnier.

File Size by David May: Seen it before. Not funny.

Danger Zone by Zach Lipovsky: Great, but whatever. Lots of people will vote for Zach Li. His movie was cute and funny, but he is a front runner, and he does not need my support.

A Golf Story by Trevor James: Cute. Funny. I don't love it but it was cute. Cleverly done, in a minute. Smart decisions. Good thinking.

Love In The Year 2007 by Shalini Kantayya: Total mess. Completely idiotic. Garry Marshall is all "Oh, I love women directing because we can hear all these great issues!" All of the women disappointed my fallopian identity this week. Just so they know.

Please Hold by Phil Hawkins: Love Phil. I didn't agree with the judges' criticisms, and I'm tired of hearing about things have or do not have a "beginning, middle, and end." How about a creative vision? Does that matter? I thought this one was funny but needed some kind of twist.

Check Out by Shira-Lee Shalit: Dumb, female, typical, boring.

Replication Theory by Sam Friedlander: Hilarious, classic, YouTube-worthy, and smart. Like the best kind of Saturday Night Live skit. Perfect and our favorite. Dan and I agree.

I voted a few times for Replication Theory because I thought it was the best, and a few times for Blind Date and Getta Rhoom because I thought they got an unfair shake from the judges.

The judges are dreadful. The host is a homeless man's Scarlett Johanssen, with extra-strange hand movements. What was with the slo motion cheerleader poses, with the hands? Maybe she just needs time.

Memorial Day

Fish

Pelicans

Lesner Bridge

Fisheqette

Fisherman

Hair?

Cell models

House

Word Hop

Sidewalk Phonics

After

Before

Tendu

Jet noise

Picture day

Blades

Ballet

Goats

Kittens

Hot dog

Ice cream

American Idol Songwriting Finalists: My Uncensored Criticism

Today is the last day to vote for your favorite song in the American Idol Songwriting Contest. I voted yesterday. Kind of a dreary process. Not to be attempted if you're already feeling at all depressed. Make sure your blood sugar is high and you have a window open, but not a second storey window. Here are my impressions:

I’m Going To Be Me: It's absolutely ludicrous that the American Idol writer would sing, on the night of his/her victory, that he/she will never live up to our expectations, that he/she feels so rejected. I mean, come on, are we kidding here? "This cannot be the way to be in existence" is one of the most awkward lyrics I've ever seen, and "possibly along the way, I'll gain some inner peace" is very sermony and wordy -- just underscores the kind of dreary whininess of the lyrics in general. The song sounds very professional and slick. I think the beat is catchy at first, but after a while it's kind of hypnotically boring. The singer is competent but lifeless. Norah Jones she ain't.

Send Me On My Way: Let's see... apart from the fact that smooth jazz makes me want to put my eyes out with forks... I still think this tempo needs to be jacked up half a tick. It drags mercilessly. Once again, lyrics totally inappropriate for the winner's big moment. Would there be anything more ridiculous than Jordin wailing that she'd been tied down for so long? Oh, the hardships she's endured winning pageants and being a model. Garsh, I feel a tear coming on. It reminds me, in a lesser and more boring way, of, "Love Will Lead You Back." The only good part of the song is the very beginning, before you realize the extent of the death march that is to come.

I Saw Stars: Omigod, Counting Crows sucked all the red blood cells out of one of their B sides, dressed it in burlap, broke its kneecaps, and submitted it to the contest!!! This is another entry in which the singer attempts to infect me with his suicidal desires, and I have to stubbornly refuse to throw myself into traffic. The guy makes seeing stars sound like seeing dirty socks in the gutter. I was expecting at least one play on the double meaning of getting punched in the head? Was it there?

When You Need a Moment: I liked this song. At least it sounds like the singer isn't ready to put her head in the oven. I was disappointed with the resolution of the chorus... I expected the line "Hold On To Me" to really rip, and instead it just kind of fizzled. I wanted it to go up a fifth and let OOOOOON be a big fat glory note. As it was, it was "just ai-ight" for me. With a violin, the Corrs could knock this one out of the park.

Love Me Til the Lonely’s Gone: I just can't understand why the singer put beans in her nose before attempting this. You know? Why beans? Why not... no beans? I admit I'm an amateur, but... I'm just saying. This song is shrill, boring. Its construction fulfills every expectation -- the appropriate quiet parts, the appropriate build, the bridge, the strings. It's just unfortunately devoid of anything interesting or memorable, let alone beautiful. Turn off the radio 'til the memory's gone.

Secrets and Lies: Ah, the grim, grim, grimness of winning American Idol. The sad, terrible grimness of it all. When you're not able to spend your first moments of victory recalling all the terrible things you've been through yourself, you have to resort to recalling the miseries of other, fictional people. I dislike it when male singers sing third person songs about "she" -- particularly "she"s that are troubled and damaged. It's almost like... fetishising the iconically depressed victimized female. Which is gross, coming from a man, and almost more incomprehensible if the singer is female. Remember Talking Heads song "She Was"? That's a "she" song about which I have no complaints.

Close to Me: If you look behind the depressingly slick, boring production and the whole "smooth jazz" that's smothering it at the moment, this could be a cool song. I like the chord progression in the chorus. I think Blake could kill with this, and it wouldn't be terrible on finale night, thematically, since it's at least a positive vibe -- I love you, I need you, I want to know you, etc. Boy that singer was way out of tune, worse and worse as the song went on. Yowch.

Forever Starts Today: HOOTY HOO! Lyrics appropriate for the occasion! A song that won't be rendered completely nonsensical by debuting on finale night! Give it a 10! Give it an 11! Who'll give 12! Do I hear 13? Okay, I would have thought that this is exactly the kind of dreary ballad that AI was trying to get away from, but you know... the title/hook is good, memorable, and you can imagine Melinda doing it well enough that people get weepy... God help Blake if he has to schlep his way through this, but it's bland enough that it can be morphed into a different style.

Next Big Thing: Okay, who here has fallen asleep in a bus station? Jordin, sit down. You lie. (side note: I heard the first line as "Falling asleep in a crustacean") I think the message here is too arrogant and self-aggrandizing for AI. The contestants and winners always appear to be so humble and grateful. Marching around thumping your chest and proclaiming you're the Next Big Thing isn't exactly endearing. The only one that could possibly pull it off, I guess, is Melinda, ironically. The song is repetitive and leaves no impression, except to suggest that the judges were trying to include a range of styles.

If You Ask Me To: This song is very lovely, and I like the fact that it's just a voice and a piano. The only thing that made me cringe was swimming the wild ocean after climbing the highest mountain. That was a little gratingly predictable. It's not a great song yet, but who knows what they'd do with it? It might just need a great beat, or a sexy saxophone part -- I think this one has potential.

You Never Gave Up on Me: I can see this one bringing down the house on finale night. It sounds like something that could be sung directly to the winner's fans, but also translate to a love song that others would enjoy. So, thematically, a good one. The music is not exciting, and the lyrics are repetitive. By the end of the song, I'm starting to wish I'd given up on the guy, just so I don't have to hear "You never gave up on me" ever again. Also, in my opinion the song needs a chorus -- it never really sounds like it kicks in, until the bridge. If the bridge had been a chorus, and had been longer and more interesting, the song would have had a firmer structure.

With All the Love Your Heart Can Hold: I'm mystified by all the background singers here. Sounds like they were shooting for that happy choir sound, but ended up sounding like they just got the sound board guys to join in on the chorus or something. Weird. I liked the duet parts with the two women, but there was something weirdly dull and off about the guys when they started in. I'm not crazy about the lyrics here either, with all the "guide you safely through the storm" business. I mean, we're looking for a pop star, not the messiah, right? She even claims to have wings at one point. Whoever sings this song is going to come off as very impressed with him/herself, and kind of pushy. I'll be the judge of how much love my heart can hold, thank you. Don't be spilling your love all over the place indiscriminately.

Someday: Kind of a sixth-grade-ish theme here. Simple is good, but this kind of simplicity just makes you want to shake the person. CLOUDS BAD. SUN GOOD. HAPPY GOOD. CRYING BAD. What the hell? :D I agree with the person who said it sounded showtuney... would be best sung by an eight-year-old. Possibly only an eight-year-old could escape with their dignity after delivering this little capsule of drivel.

In Your Eyes: With a hook like this, you're volunteering yourself to go toe to toe with Peter Gabriel, and whatever singer picks this up is going to have to stand right next to you in that... massacre. The bridge made no sense, musically, but I really like the way the song came back out of the bridge. I suppose Blake fans will go for this one, but it's really not good enough to properly launch him. It's a lightweight song... no substance, no meat.

Tonight: I give it a 10. The first time I heard this song, before it was picked, I thought it sounded very Disney -- not like the actual track, but like the watered down version that they might pipe out of the speakers at Epcot after the fireworks. I wasn't crazy about it, but I now think it's probably the best of this lot. Prom, anyone? Hehehe.

One Night: It's like a patchwork quilt of plagiarism! Everyone snuggle up! When I was just reading about the songs, before I could set aside the time to really listen to them, I heard the comparisons of this song to "I Just Called To Say I Love You" and I remember thinking it couldn't be THAT direct of a rip-off, but... golly. It's pretty close. Ppphhhhhbbbbt! Maybe she's just making a postmodern statement.

Right Here With Me: I like it. It doesn't scream "timeless pop ballad" but it will be great on finale night and the lyrics are more inventive than most of the others and the rhymes aren't as obvious.

This is my Now: Great. I don't mind the word "now" being used to mean "moment" or "time." I think it's clever. I like the fact that the song is positive, has a big chorus and a memorable hook. This is the first song, of the seventeen or so that I've critiqued in the last hour or so, that I feel like I'd want to hear more than once.

Lost Without You: I really like this vocalist. Very beautiful. The quality of the recording is completely excellent too... I love the way the vocals blend together. The song, on the other hand, sounds like every other song I've ever heard. I can't take anything away from it... it's pretty enough but it stays right on the track.

Waking in a Dream: I'm starting to think, after listening to all these little productions, that I just don't like SONGS. I feel like I need a good cleansing dose of Leonard Cohen or Liz Phair or something, to remind me that songwriters are actually artists with interesting things to say and interesting ways to say them. This song was fine. Boring. Sounds like the song during the credits of one of those horse girl movies where she tames the wild horse, wins a blue ribbon, and oh yes gets a makeover but never quite realizes how beautiful she really is. Did I mention the rancher's son finally notices her? (but of course he liked her better wearing jeans and a ponytail)

Picture of Benny

Benny and Sadie and I marched in the Norfolk "Doo-Dah" parade. I haven't blogged about it yet because I have mixed feelings about it, but check out this awesome picture of Benny, taken by the parade's official photographer!