On the Lot: My Disparaging Thoughts: Movie Reviews

Dance Man by Adam Stein: Funny. We are being driven insane trying to figure out who that actor is, the guy that was the interpretive dancer. WHAT is that guy's name? We have seen him in movies or something. I keep thinking he was the republican that tried to date Donna on The West Wing. But possibly not. WHO IS HE.

Deliver Me by Carolina Zorilla De San Martin: Not funny. I don't get it. Wow, we use cell phones a lot and drugs are good, but then the cell phones are bad again because they interrupt the drugs? What about the baby? I didn't understand why the judges frothed with love over this.

Spaced Out by Andrew Hunt: Puking aliens not funny. Dan liked this one. I loathe this guy, and I loathed his pitch last week and I think he's way overrated. He looks like a big jerkimer. Ookay, it was a little tiny bit funny, but just at the very point that the alien actually first puked. All subsequent puking was not funny.

Wack Alley Cab by Kenny Luby: Kenny Luby needs flushed down the toilet. This was self-indulgent twaddle.

Bus #1 by Hilary Graham: I'm all about "Go moms!" but this was garbage. It reminded me of one of those awkward commercials they make on "The Apprentice" and was waiting for someone to try and sell me a Glade Plug-in.

The Big Bad Heist by Marty Martin: You made a trailer instead of a comedy short! Bad Marty! No cookie!

Lucky Penny by Will Bigham: Will is going for the "I'm just a great big dad with a great happy spirit!" vote. Good luck with that. I'm not voting for Mr. Happy Feelgood Milquetoast.

…To Screw In A Light Bulb by Jessica Brillhart: Someone's been to film school, hasn't someone!? I thought the judges were too rough on this girl, though. I thought it was very funny how the guy kept trying to eat his cereal. That was a nice touch.

Soft by Mateen Kemet: I forgot all about this one. It was funny though.

Blind Date by Claudia La Bianca: Love Claudia, love Italy, love the look of this, love the olive-induced bathroom acrobatics. She is a rock star.

Getta Rhoom by Jason Epperson: Totally unfair how harsh the judges were on this poor dude. They said he was making evil fun of "mentally challenged" people and that it was "politically incorrect" and "offensive." Offensive? REALLY??? Do they know there was a movie made called "DUMB AND DUMBER"? Have they watched The Office? Stupid people are fair game, twits. The stupider the funnier.

File Size by David May: Seen it before. Not funny.

Danger Zone by Zach Lipovsky: Great, but whatever. Lots of people will vote for Zach Li. His movie was cute and funny, but he is a front runner, and he does not need my support.

A Golf Story by Trevor James: Cute. Funny. I don't love it but it was cute. Cleverly done, in a minute. Smart decisions. Good thinking.

Love In The Year 2007 by Shalini Kantayya: Total mess. Completely idiotic. Garry Marshall is all "Oh, I love women directing because we can hear all these great issues!" All of the women disappointed my fallopian identity this week. Just so they know.

Please Hold by Phil Hawkins: Love Phil. I didn't agree with the judges' criticisms, and I'm tired of hearing about things have or do not have a "beginning, middle, and end." How about a creative vision? Does that matter? I thought this one was funny but needed some kind of twist.

Check Out by Shira-Lee Shalit: Dumb, female, typical, boring.

Replication Theory by Sam Friedlander: Hilarious, classic, YouTube-worthy, and smart. Like the best kind of Saturday Night Live skit. Perfect and our favorite. Dan and I agree.

I voted a few times for Replication Theory because I thought it was the best, and a few times for Blind Date and Getta Rhoom because I thought they got an unfair shake from the judges.

The judges are dreadful. The host is a homeless man's Scarlett Johanssen, with extra-strange hand movements. What was with the slo motion cheerleader poses, with the hands? Maybe she just needs time.

Marie Antoinette, Lemony Snicket, and Poor Poor Jennifer Connelly

Marie Antoinette:
Dude, I do not care if it's historically accurate or even socially responsible. This movie was like one looong piece of fancy pastry. Colorful, sweet, and low on dialogue. I loved it.
When I say the movie was low on dialogue, consider that there is almost no dialogue whatsoever for like the first twenty minutes of movie. Merciful! After that, they do make with a little bit of the old talky-talky, but who cares? What we like seeing are the "Oh the excess!" montages, the flossy haired children cavorting in the French countryside, the clothes, the shoes, the wall murals. Punk rock and chamber music, Kirsten Dunst pretending to be kind to that guy from Rushmore. The fact that the French people love Francis Ford Coppola so much that they let Coppola Jr. use the actual palace to shoot the movie. THAT is what we want to see.
Know that I am aware of the weakness of the statement being made in the movie. It's a thin statement, and weak. In a way, it's made in the first scene, and the rest of the movie exists only so we can appreciate the sets, props, and costumes. And the marzipan. Don't expect any stunning revelations or subtle messages. The movie is right there, with whatever it has, in sherbet colors, repeating its simple themes and idea. What saves it? Kirsten Dunst. She's relentlessly good, just sweet enough, just ruthless enough, a tiny bit vulnerable, a tiny bit awful -- she was a fantastic queen. See it. In high-def if possible.

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
I had misgivings. I was so over Jim Carrey, and I had read things about how he upstaged everyone in the movie and kind of took it over. Well, forevermore. He was awesome. This is for sure my favorite Jim Carrey performance. It was smart, funny, varied, interesting... I forgive him for The Grinch. I do not forgive the producers of the Grinch, but I absolve Jim Carrey of his involvement. The best thing about his "Count Olaf" was that he had me paying attention, close attention, to every second of his screen time -- it was that quick and that interesting. Loved it.
Add to this the gorgeous visuals, very Tim Burton, very true to the books. The children did well, particularly Violet, and I loved how Sunny was portrayed in all her biting joy. Meryl Streep was hilarious. I loved the whole thing, didn't want it to end, and Benny loved it too. Sadie wandered off to play on the computer, but she wasn't terribly alarmed by it. There was a pervasive sweetness and beauty in the movie that surprised me. I thought the books were a little violent for the kids, but I read them a while ago. The fact that the threat of violence is actually real and he actually does hit them... that makes it a little bit intense. If you get this on DVD, do not neglect to watch the extensive extra footage of Count Olaf and his theater troupe. Yes, a little indulgent. But hilarious.

Dark Water
Jennifer Connelly is very very good at acting. This movie is terrible, though. Poor, poor Jennifer Connelly.