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Tuesday, March 11, 2003 ( 8:48 AM ) Lostcheerio The Shipping News is about a man named Kevin Spacey Quoyle. He is extremely victimized and downtrodden by the fact that people are always mean to him. Like, his father was very mean while teaching him to swim. Doesn't EVERYONE'S father yell at them while teaching them to swim? Isn't it just PART OF having a father that teaches you to swim? I know that my father not only yelled KICK THOSE LEGS at me but also took me home afterward and baked me in an oven until my brains exploded. Okay, that is a lie. But still. If your chief painful flashback is learning to swim with your dad, you're grasping, eh? And FORTUNATELY for Kevin Spacey Quoyle, a much better oppressor is right around the corner!!! In the form of a SECRET from the PAST which as we all know can haunt you like crazy and really mess your life up and force you to say wry things like, "I'm a Quoyle." You see, due to the strange intervention of an old lesbyterian aunt, Kevin Spacey Quoyle and his little daughter are whisked off to STRANGE AND INTERESTING Newfoundland. There in the town of Quoylandia, a place awash with local wisdom, they find out from one of many proud eccentrics that the Quoyles were pirates who used to cut people's noses off and were generally hideously bad neighbors. Ancestors were pirates? Now that's something a man can really ferment and grieve over! The lamenting and grieving doth commence forthwith. Lucky Kevin Spacey Quoyle, however, is about to experience redemption and release from his terrible terrible past that he's known about for a total of five minutes. Because the house that the Quoyle's lived in is tied down the the ground with big cables. And we all know that when we have a main character who is TIED TO THE PAST and a family house that is TIED TO THE GROUND, that house isn't going to last through the third act. Sure enough, house she go flying away along with all Quoyle's miseries. Plus he learned to write really good articles about boats, which is extremely redemptive (just try it!) and he also fell in love with Wavy Julianne Moore, the most radiantly beautiful woman in Hollywood who says pithy things like "Eat that seal knuckle sandwich! I dare you!" and basically shows him that you can turn up a gorgeous redhead even in the most remote and unlikely area of Newfoundland. The end. PS For anyone who missed it: HOUSE = PAST # |
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