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Tuesday, March 11, 2003 ( 9:03 AM ) Lostcheerio What do you get when you take a secret past full of pain and anguish, an ancestral home that's tied to the ground by cables, and some powerfully bad weather? Answer: The Shipping News. # ( 8:48 AM ) Lostcheerio The Shipping News is about a man named Kevin Spacey Quoyle. He is extremely victimized and downtrodden by the fact that people are always mean to him. Like, his father was very mean while teaching him to swim. Doesn't EVERYONE'S father yell at them while teaching them to swim? Isn't it just PART OF having a father that teaches you to swim? I know that my father not only yelled KICK THOSE LEGS at me but also took me home afterward and baked me in an oven until my brains exploded. Okay, that is a lie. But still. If your chief painful flashback is learning to swim with your dad, you're grasping, eh? And FORTUNATELY for Kevin Spacey Quoyle, a much better oppressor is right around the corner!!! In the form of a SECRET from the PAST which as we all know can haunt you like crazy and really mess your life up and force you to say wry things like, "I'm a Quoyle." You see, due to the strange intervention of an old lesbyterian aunt, Kevin Spacey Quoyle and his little daughter are whisked off to STRANGE AND INTERESTING Newfoundland. There in the town of Quoylandia, a place awash with local wisdom, they find out from one of many proud eccentrics that the Quoyles were pirates who used to cut people's noses off and were generally hideously bad neighbors. Ancestors were pirates? Now that's something a man can really ferment and grieve over! The lamenting and grieving doth commence forthwith. Lucky Kevin Spacey Quoyle, however, is about to experience redemption and release from his terrible terrible past that he's known about for a total of five minutes. Because the house that the Quoyle's lived in is tied down the the ground with big cables. And we all know that when we have a main character who is TIED TO THE PAST and a family house that is TIED TO THE GROUND, that house isn't going to last through the third act. Sure enough, house she go flying away along with all Quoyle's miseries. Plus he learned to write really good articles about boats, which is extremely redemptive (just try it!) and he also fell in love with Wavy Julianne Moore, the most radiantly beautiful woman in Hollywood who says pithy things like "Eat that seal knuckle sandwich! I dare you!" and basically shows him that you can turn up a gorgeous redhead even in the most remote and unlikely area of Newfoundland. The end. PS For anyone who missed it: HOUSE = PAST # Monday, March 10, 2003 ( 9:50 PM ) Lostcheerio I am NOT pregnant. I was alerted of this fact five days earlier than I expected to be alerted, so who even knows when I am ovulating next or what's going on. Apparently being pregnant feels a lot like PMS. I'm going to drink an entire pot of coffee now. Peh. # Sunday, March 09, 2003 ( 10:39 PM ) Lostcheerio Three Benny anecdotes: 1. We were playing Crash Bandicoot as it pleases us to do in the evening and I said to Benny "At 8:00 we are going upstairs to take a bath. See that clock? When the clock says 8-0-0 we are going upstairs. Okay? Say Okay Mama." And he said, "Okay Mama." It's a digital clock, the one on the cable box. And then a couple seconds later he says, "Seventeen more minutes!" And I look up at the clock on the cable box and it says 7:43. Creepy. 2. Benny was in the tub and the plug had been pulled and the water was draining out while he was still playing. I was washing my face and then putting on moisturizer in the mirror and Benny said, "All done water" And I said, "Oh, is the water all gone?" And he didn't answer me. So I finished slapping on moisturizer and then I turned to look and he was sitting there in the tub and he said very carefully, "Yes." Which is odd because he never says "Yes" and I looked down at what he was looking at and he had spelled the word, "Yes" on the side of the tub with his sponge letters. 3. Benny's new thing is punctuation. He loves punctuation. When he reads, he has to stop every time there is punctuation and say "LOOK IT'S A COMMA" etc. So i am teaching him what the harder ones are like apostrophe, ellipse, etc. And in Ten Apples Up On Top it says Three... Three... I see. I see. He loves that page and so tonight he says, "THAT'S A LOT OF PERIODS! Oh, three periods is" and then he can't think of the word 'ellipse' so he looks at me and I say "Three periods is an ellipse. An ellipse signifies an abandoned utterance." Because it tickles me to say silly things like that to him... and he says, "Ellipse is a light." And I'm like... Okay. And I say, "What do you mean, and ellipse is a light?" And he turns the page around a quarter turn and says, "Red, orange, and green." Which is what he calls the colors of a traffic light. # ( 4:29 PM ) Lostcheerio There is a smug man with a ponytail that lives next door. He has very good posture and wears hawaiian shirts and is thick of torso. He is always grilling things solemnly and carrying bags of groceries which are full of healthful items. Like tortillas. I really loathe this man today. I have such the caffeine-deprivation headache it is sick'ning. # |
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