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Tuesday, January 13, 2004 ( 5:09 AM ) Lostcheerio Since I'm not doing anything much except contracting and waiting for the sun to come up and wondering if This Is It, I'll share my thoughts on Average Joe Hawaii. There were several moments in the show last night which made me try to gouge my eyes out with my fingernails as I writhed on the floor begging Dan to CHANGE CHANGE THE CHANNEL OH PLEASE MAKE IT STOP. 1. Dumb David Serenades Larissa Note to men: Unless you are over the age of 80 and have that "endearing old man" ambience, and unless you are planning a very SHORT EXCERPT from a very old song, DO NOT EVER sing to a woman in a romantic setting. Do not say, "Serenading a woman is my secret weapon." Do not lean in toward her, trying to capture her with your eyes, making your lips jut out yearningly, your whole 98-pound frame popping with sincerity, down to your unnaturally long and strange fingers. Especially do not do this if you are Dumb David and have inexplicably awful glasses, hair like Shirley Temple, and rabbit teeth. Thank you. Goodbye. I don't think there's ever been a worse moment in reality television (and I've seen a lot of bad moments, thank you very much) and that's including the moment directly after, when Dumb David went in for a kiss with his wet, quavering, rabbit mouth and Larissa ACTUALLY PRETENDED NOT TO RECOIL WITH HORROR and their lips actually met for like .2 seconds before she scrambled away to gargle with clorox and wire-brush her teeth. BLEEEAAARRRGHH. Why didn't she eliminate David last night? It's my personal feeling that she's got a younger brother with "emotional problems" or some sort of "congenital brain dysfunction" or "psychotic tendencies" or "bad hair" and therefore David makes her feel LESS uncomfortable than some of the other clumps of hectic ganglion that NBC has found for her to date. 2. "I Have No Sweat Glands" Paints "Evil Troll Larissa" Note to men: If you are an artist and if you are going to go on a date with an artist and if you are going to paint each other's portraits with your little easels facing each other all cute, DO NOT PAINT THE WOMAN AS FRANKENWEENIE. As she paints a tender and sensitive portrait of your no-sweat-gland-having skin-tone-of-a-blanched-olive i-do-creative-beards skull, do NOT paint her with cheekbones like swords, eyes like frozen mackerel, and broomstick hair. I mean TRY not to!!! This is NOT the time to channel Picasso. This is a time to make her look, OH I DON'T KNOW, pretty? She's a beautiful, beautiful girl -- does your "ART" really compel you to re-imagine her as the troll under the bridge? Yoicks. I was surprised she didn't knock him in the head when she saw it, rather than go outside and actually CONSENT to kissing him more than once. Yeeeeesh. And a big thank-you to the producers/editors for putting another shot of Dumb David's big "serenade" after the credits. Just when I thought it was safe to look back at the television for "scenes from next week" I have his big honking face sucking up the screen, caroling tunelessly about I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE. Hand me the salad forks -- I have some eyes I don't need anymore. # |
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